The Rants of Kassius, Part 3

Is it too much to ask to be accepted for who one is?

No, I really want to know.

Why do family and friends always want you to be...more? Better? Why do they insist that you fix one more thing, one more character trait that they find less-than-perfect? Why do they always need one more favor?

And why can't I shut it off? Why do I have the desire to be everyone's perfect friend? Why can't I just look people in the face and tell them what they can do with their "suggestions"?

I'm angry. That's all.

~Kassius~

Even Rhodes isn't open, where does one buy a soda on Christmas?

Is it weird of me to blog on Christmas? Yes? Well, I'm doing it anyway.

I'm home(legitimate, with-my-parents home) until New Year's Eve. It's a little cool in my room, but I don't mind. I'm glad I chose a darker color for the walls...of "my" bedroom in the house that my parents built after I moved out. Thanks, guys.

I think this room is sort of symbolic of my parents' hope that I'll end up back here. That I'll visit home more often, that I'll realize I moved out too soon and put down semitemporary roots here while I go to graduate school in St. Louis and then stay here until I find a job in Cape Girardeau. Then I'll marry a guy from Cape or the surrounding area, buy a house within the same, and do my "research stuff" until I have a kid a few years later.

They've never told me that this is what they want for my life, so I can't respond to tell them that the odds of all of that are about as high as Ralph Nader's of winning the next presidential election. Don't get me wrong, I'm a hardcore third-party supporter. I won't get into why I hate the bipartisan system we insist on perpetuating upon ourselves, since it's a long and soapbox-like speech, and instead I'll just say that I'm proud of Nader for trying. But I can read the election results too.

I love following presidential elections. Every four years, I'll stay up as long as it takes until a winner is declared(which was pretty killer during the Bush-Gore debacle - I did give up on that one). If I hadn't gone into chemistry, I think I would have chosen history as a major. I did consider it as a freshman in high school, before I officially set my sights on something within medicine. But besides not really knowing what I would do with a history degree(not that there aren't options - just that none of them sounded appealing to me), I started to find out a little more than I wanted to know. I was fine with what I had heard about all the figureheads in history, and didn't really want to hear that they were all actually jerks. If someone was such a jerk, how could they still be remembered for all these great accomplishments and humanitarian acts? Obviously, part of it was that someone rewrote the stories and wanted events to be remembered in a different light than the one in which they actually happened, but that wasn't what bothered me. It was that I was confronted with the gray area - phenomenal good and terrible bad within the same person.

I don't like the gray area much. I am my father's daughter 100% in that respect. I want people to be good or bad, right or wrong. Danielle was always better with the gray - the misinterpreted motives, the external factors in a situation that needed to be considered, the exceptions to the rule. We came to a head over it often in high school - Danielle, from the "rules are situational and sometimes you have to bend them" side, and me, from the "why even have a rule if you're just going to change it anyway" side.

The difficult part is that neither of us was all right or all wrong. She was right because there are weird situations, and there are exceptions. There are times in which breaking the rules has a better outcome than following them, and being a stickler hurts rather than helping. But I was right too, because someone still has to take responsibility, and if not the person who messed up, then who?

It comes to a head in so many situations in life. Every day, one kid goes into the yard and calls the neighbor kid names. Day after day, this kid calls this other kid names. When the neighbor kid goes to his parents, they are unsympathetic. So finally one day, the second kid walks over and beats up the first kid.

Who's wrong? The first kid, for speaking in such an awful manner, and antagonizing for days on end? The second kid, for escalating the situation to physical violence? One set of parents for not disciplining their child, or the other set for not defending theirs?

A compelling case could be made for all four. And in my opinion, each carries some blame. But if the situation happens at school, who is punished? Especially since schools have no way to punish parents. Which child do you choose? Or both?

And that's a simple elementary-school situation, where it's not unlikely that the children will be best friends in a month's time. This is why I hate the gray area - when it comes right down to it, it's a matter of opinion. And the opinion of whoever's in charge is the one that gets implemented. If there's a rulebook of some sort, this doesn't happen. We all have to agree to the same thing and play by the same code, and opinion is less of a factor in the situation. And yes, I realize that the rulebooks are written on opinion as well. But at least you know what you're getting from the beginning. Also, it's a power check on the people in charge, a concrete, this-is-what-we-agreed-to statement that can't be denied.

Ahem. Anyway. Rewind through my musings on morals and politics, and I think I was talking about going away. My closest potential graduate school is in Indiana, followed by schools in Virginia and Washington. It'll be a little while before I'm worried about that though. This week, I'll be doing nothing.

Cheers,

~Kassius~

Guess who's back....back again....

So here's the deal:
I survived Thanksgiving, but Christmas is next...
I know I sound like a grinch, but I can I say here in the safety of my blog, that I don't like....accepting Christmas. I love to give Christmas. I wish I could sit invisible on the couch at Christmas....watch everyone's faces light up without having to take a turn. I just...I feel the most out of place at holidays. When I was growing up. Holidays weren't...shared? With friends or like extended family....just my siblings and I. It's hard for me know to like change mindsets to accept that not everyone's like that. It's just difficult. I love the lights...I love giving presents...wrapping them...I love the magic of the Christmas tree...but I just feel like none of it should be for me. That's all.
Wish me luck. T-Minus 20 days.

I hate Apple.

Right now, I am:

1) Taking a break from the epic project of cleaning my room.

2) Excited for the end of no-soda-November.

3) Getting tickets for Harry Potter on Friday.

4) Jealous of a girl.

5) Disgruntled by my jealousy, because that indicates feelings for a guy.

6) Snuggling with the monkey I got from Old Navy.

7) Irritated that my iPod won't charge.

8) About to start watching The Santa Clause.

9) Hating the maze of Internet forums to fix an iPod.

10) Possibly going to sleep soon.

Love to you all!

~Kassius~

"Cuz baby girl's a queen...but the queen's just a pawn with a bunch of fancy moves..."

You know which songs you really like when you put a lot of new music onto your player, because they're the same few songs you always gravitate toward. The title lyric is one of mine - "The Queen and I" by Gym Class Heroes. The other two are "Stripper" by the Soho Dolls(it's kind of a dirty song, but, I like it) and "Monsta" by Culcha Candela(this song is mostly in German, but I love the beat, and I've heard the English version. It's not quite as poetic(lyrical? musical? hopefully you know what I mean) as the German version, but I like it still.)

I've officially made a decision...I give up on trying to find someone to date, at least for the time being. It'll happen when it happens...someday. I'll have that fairy-tale moment where I meet him and everything's all butterflies and whatever. In the meantime...wherever I am, things aren't so bad here. Really, they're not. My friends are here, and God's here, and there's ice cream.

Lori and I are giving up one unhealthy thing every month. October was fast-food month, which worked out really well, except that we cheated six or seven times...oops. We're doing that one again in February. November is soda month. This is gonna kill me, but here goes...

Physical chemistry test Tuesday :O This oughta be good...

Will write more soon.

Love,

~Kassius~

Lessons Learned

"There is nothing like going back to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered." - Nelson Mandela

I used this in my last post, but it's so undeniably true. When everything else is the same, and your thoughts aren't, you know how you're different from the last time you were there. It's an eye-opening experience.

"When faced with two choices, simply toss a coin. It's not because it settles the question for you, but because in that brief moment while the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for..."

Even when I thought I wasn't sure of what I wanted, I can't think of a time that I've flipped a coin and honestly not been hoping for either heads or tails. It's how you reveal to yourself what you really want. There can be shame in admitting your heart's real desire, but there's none in thinking, "Please, please be heads!" until you realize too late that they are one and the same.

"Even when all hell breaks loose, keep your chin up and keep going. And if you can't, we'll all get behind you and push. But don't ever give up."

You might think this quote would be negated by the fact that the speaker is no longer a part of my life. Some days, it's the greatest idea in the world to me to give up, curl up in a ball and let my life crash and burn. But the sentiment - to keep pushing when everything does, in fact, seem like hell - is one that keeps me going when I can't think of any other reason to push on.

"There's something so...perfect...about being one step ahead of the world. But then steps turn to crawls, and crawls turn to dragging yourself through the mud, and all you've done is set yourself free to suffer alone."

At first, I only hid pain because I didn't want to trouble anyone else. Noble if misguided motives, right? But then I discovered the thrilling game that it is, to push yourself to suffer in silence. Fortunately for me, I have close friends that have already been down that road, who have shown me what a mistake it is.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." - Judy Garland

No matter how hard I try, I'll never be Danielle as well as Danielle is. She is her own. No matter how hard I try to find an outfit that looks like hers, it will never look as good on me as it does on her. It's her style, and though I may admire it, I'll never be able to copy it exactly. What I can do is be Kassy, better than anyone else can. It makes me feel a little bit better to be the best at something.

Those are my lessons. Take them or leave them.
Love,
Kassius

Reflection

"Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don't know?"

At some point, life was simple. I knew who I was and what I wanted. Now...I'm not so sure. I don't know who I am or what I want any more. People say I'm not the same as I was "before." Well, I don't really know when before was, or how I was different then. But if I had to guess, I'd say "before" dates back about to Christmas of my sophomore year. That's when everything started to fall to pieces.

Maybe it's God that I miss. Maybe not the church scene to the extent that I was involved with it in high school, but just...reading the Bible and finding something helpful. Just staying out of things that aren't great for you. That sort of thing. Maybe that was what made life happier for me.

Maybe I was just destined to grow up.

Maybe I need to make breaks, painful though they may be, from everything here, so that when the time comes for me to move on from this place, nothing is holding me here.

Maybe I'm thinking too much.

Maybe I was actually a little worse off before, too idealistic.

Maybe I just want to be happy again.

Maybe I need some sleep.

I don't feel like I know the girl in the mirror anymore. But underneath her is someone I used to be, someone who was happy. And while I don't think every change in my life over the last two years has been for the worse, I do think that maybe my 18-year-old self had some things figured out that my 20-year-old self needs a little help remembering.

So tomorrow, I'm going to read the Bible for a little while. I might go exercise. And then the rest of the day is homework time. I'm going to watch Mulan, I think, and at least one other movie that I've liked for several years. I'm going to call Hannah and talk, and Bradley if I can. As Nelson Mandela put it in one of my favorite all-time quotes, "There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."

Love from old me, new me, and the person in between,

Kassius

Running Shoes and Shitzus

Here's what I like: Running until I throw up.

Personally I find it sort of satisfying...the idea that you've pushed yourself that hard.
I love the feeling of the pavement beneath my feet. Flying forward with each step that split second where neither of your feet are on the ground. It's refreshing. It's powerful. It's...unstoppable. I've been running with my brother. Who happens to be 6'4" and legs that seem to be a mile long. He can run a 7 minute mile. I...almost can. Lol. It's my new goal to run a 6 minute mile....my competitive nature is going to screw me over some day. Maybe someday I'll be in a Nike commercial. Wish me luck.
P.S I got chased by a Shitzu today....nothing helps cut your time down like being chased by a dog behind you that sounds vicious. Also, nothing is more embarrassing than turning around and seeing that the dog chasing you is roughly the same size as your shoe.

Just passing through

So I kinda just wanted to say hey. We're having a party tonight and I need to figure out an outfit and get ready, I need to catch a nap beforehand, and Sam keeps yelling that I need to vacuum my room. Which is true...Sam's iPod has that 3OH!3 song going about "L-O-V-E's just another word I never learned to pronounce" so I'm getting kinda pumped.

Anyway, I always have a lot to say after our parties...so...I'll be back!

Love and 3Oh!3,

Kassius

Bob

At some point in most girls' lives, they will make a mistake. Obviously, they will make lots of mistakes, but there will usually be a mistake named after another person. Like, "what do you consider your biggest mistake?" "Bob." Bob, of course, is not a mistake, he's a person. It's being around Bob, doing things with Bob, when for some reason you know you shouldn't. Maybe he's otherwise committed, or maybe you are. Maybe Bob's not a very nice guy. Maybe your friend has a thing for Bob, or maybe you just know that Bob isn't right for you.

The problem here, of course, is that you're with Bob anyway. And you probably have a reason that's halfway justifiable but wouldn't exactly hold up in a court of law. I write this, of course, because I have a Bob. Let's call him...Alex. I don't have feelings for Alex, nor does he for me. We're friends...that happen to cuddle and sleep next to each other now and again. Nothing else happens...and it's just that he's warm and I don't like to sleep alone...And he tells me how beautiful I am and how much he enjoys being with me...And here, we have my halfway justifiable reason that doesn't stand up to any sort of attack. Bottom line? Alex is a bad decision. Maybe not now. No one is emotionally involved right now. But everything I've heard leads me to believe that it eventually heads down that road. Directly or indirectly, it messes with your chances at a relationship. Is that true? I don't know. What do I know?...That Alex is warm.

With love and bad decisions,

Kassius

2 Decades and a Top 10 List

Sometimes the only thing I can think of to say is an awful thing to say.
It's Friday night and I have no life. I'm hiding out in the living room in my PJ's watching a movie I've already watched 3 times this week... Yes, I'm watching it a fourth, not because it's so wonderful, simply becuase as I stated previously...I have no life. I'm 19 almost 20... it scares me really. I'm starting to feel like 30 isn't so old. I used to think that 25 was the end of life as you know it. Now that I'm 2 days from 20 I'm starting to feel like maybe life doesn't take as long as I thought it did. I know it sounds like something your 80 year old grandfather should tell you, but here in my life, I feel it for myself, and it's a feeling I'm growing to hate.

As I promised in the title, I do have a Top 10 List...
So here it is....

THE TOP 10 REASONS I DON'T LOVE LIFE RIGHT NOW

1. I'm bored. Sounds like not a big deal....right? It seems like the solution would simply be to go and find something to do right? WRONG. It's not that simple. I can watch tv, read a book, and text a few people and still be bored. My brain needs a challenge, a stronger way to be entertained, and I'm not getting it here.

2. There aren't enough people... If I mention that I live in a house with 7 other people who are all capable of intellegent conversation you'd probably think me and absolute idiot, but it's still true. I need a good...20 people in my life steadly to feed the little social butterfly in my insides.

3. Organized family life is not my forte... I'm not good at it, and it makes it hard for me to pretend everyday that I honestly feel like I fit here.

4. I don't really fit in with the people out here in the sticks.... Kansas wasn't much better but any college has a better variety than the small towns here...

5. I'm struggling to like myself...let alone love myself. It makes the ordinary everyday activities even harder than they should be.

6. Everyone I work with is skinny. Enough said.

7. The weather is starting to get cold. I HATE being cold with a passion.

8. There's a piece of my heart that's far far away.

9. I've been sentenced to the house for the past.... 2 months.

10. I'm bored. I told you it was bad. I have to put bored on the list twice that's how bored I am.

Have I mentioned that I hate birthdays? I'm like the Grinch of birthdays....and Christmas...and Thanksgiving....and Easter....and Valentine's Day....I am the Grinch of holidays...

Birthdays and Christmas are the worst for me. Birthdays remind me that another year has gone by and I'm still insignificant....Christmas is that hateful reminder that it's time for family to gather together and it sort of tosses up in my face that my little family of people I've scavenged for here and there isn't really a family at all...just a group of people who love me that aren't really together like a family so I'm still stuck glomming onto someone elses....

I'm grumpy and I hate the whole world tonight.

Ion-exchange chromatography...go!

Hello, bloggerverse! Happy 22nd birthday to my bestie/roommate, Lori!!!

I've been doing some interesting reading at Facebook today. In a small town near mine, apparently some drama has broken out. Something about someone being on drugs, and they'll "always be messed up", and someone's uncle getting threatened, and "all this over a stupid cell phone," and "back off my family or there's gonna be TROUBLE!!!" and "I ain't talking bout Ralph."

That sort of thing.

It's something that my ex and his mom do too. Sitting around, talking about whose family did what, and where this person ended up, and how that person's working for his grandpa at the insurance place now, and that girl had a baby, and this girl didn't have her baby...it never ends. And a girl I knew from high school, that has the same job now, at twenty-two and not attending classes, trade school, or enlisted in the armed forces, that she did when she was fifteen. And I wonder if I should feel bad about wanting something more.

I don't want to sound snooty. Lots of people I know and love do this. But I want my life to be...more. I want to go somewhere where they don't know me, and find out what someone else's life is like. Someone in Seattle, or Ann Arbor, or Norfolk. I don't want to be the one telling all the stories - I want to be the subject. I want to be proud to be the one they talk about - because hey, they can't talk about you if you aren't doing anything.

Not that I live in a bad area, by any means. It's quaint, and several of the school districts are good, and there's a lot of family here. But not before I've experienced Washington...as far away from Forks as possible.

Ah, back to the biochemistry. First exam of the semester in six hours. And so, bloggerverse, I bid you adieu. We shall meet again soon.

~Kassius~

I Have Returned

So here I am....
I've been gone for a while....
I've been living in the land that lacks internet.
I'm here and I have so much to say, and only 5 minutes, but I wanted to stop and say that dear Blog, I haven't forgotten you, I just haven't been able to write.
Soon though, soon.
I have so much to say.
So many hurts to let out in the open.
So many thoughts that need to be shared.
So many questions that need room to think.
So soon dear blog, soon.
Danielle

New Start

I suppose in hindsight, I should have known that no one gets that lucky on the first try. I should have seen him drifting away this summer, and I should have guessed that this is how it would go down.

Yes, I'm single again. Not my decision, but his. Why'd he do it? No one can seem to come to a consensus. One thing is for sure, though - he no longer saw our relationship as being worth the trouble. We really didn't fight any more or less than anyone else - well, a lot towards the end, but...I won't reveal to the entire blogger-verse why, but he knows and I know.

So, how do I feel? Betrayed - I found out that we have such different visions for our futures, and he never told me that - in fact, he lied about it. Confused - I thought I had everything figured out for once. Hurt - he told me he'd always love me, that I was "the one," that he'd never see another girl the way he saw me. Vindicated - all his friends were my friends, and he's not exactly their favorite person now. A lot of the good things he's had since moving to Cape Girardeau, he's had because of me. I have people loving me, checking on me, making sure everything is okay, wanting to see me - and he's suffering alone. And a little bad - not guilty, because he did it to himself, but just...bad. Because some part of me still wants to take away his pain. I want to snuggle with him and let him talk it out and make it easier for him to bear because someone is always by his side.

Could I do that as a friend? Maybe. But it would conflict with what I need right now. I could have comforted him, pretended something else had happened so as not to paint him in such a bad light. I could have helped him get almost back to what he had. But I had to choose - because as long as I was doing that, I'd never be able to get over him. And as much as I wish I was over him already, I'm not. I'm getting there. Every day gets a little easier. I think about him a little bit less, gain a little more distance, and get a little closer to normal.

I think that this happened this way for a reason. I think that moving into a new apartment, starting a new school year, and new singleness was God's way of wiping the slate clean for me. This year is my last of undergrad, and I have a lot of big decisions to make. I think this is just what I needed - even though it doesn't feel very good right now. This year, I think I'm finally going to find answers to the questions that have followed me all these years. Can I handle that? I don't know, But I have a feeling this is the year I'll find out.

Without the amazing friends, I'd still be paralyzed with sickness and tears. Thank you to Lori(and her mom), Randall, Andrew(and his dad), Stephanie, Rachel, Sam P, Chance, Sam M(and his mom), Kelci K, Kelsey B, Liz, Danni, Susan, Michelle, Hannah W, Mom, Hannah H, and Deanna.

I love you all.

~Kassius~

Friday Night and I'm Blogging?

So, I'm re-watching Grey's Anatomy with Keara, and thought I'd blog.

What's new? Let's see...

Last month, I finally met Danni's roommate. Chris is a sweetheart and she's SO much fun! It amuses me how physically similar we are. Danni had never mentioned it, but I wasn't the only one to notice. It was a little strange. But Chris is really pretty, so I certainly don't mind that anyone thinks that I look like her.

I move into my apartment on Wednesday the 18th. That's 5 days from now!!!! When I wake up in the morning, it will be 4 days!!!! I still feel a little surreal about it...like it's been so far off in the future for so long that it's hard to believe it's almost here.

Today, I got paid. A big, fat paycheck, that for the first time this summer isn't immediately obligated(I mean, yes, I have things to pay for, but it's the first time this summer that I haven't had to turn around on payday and dump the entire check onto something else). I owe my parents for a loan payment they made a couple of days ago, and then...I'm free!

Also, Rachel gets back into town on Sunday from her summer in Virginia, as does Adam from his two-week stint at home in Farmington. Of course, the next weekend, Keara and Gavin leave for Rolla :( But there will be a week of epicness before this!

I'm dieting, by way of calorie counting. I know the logical way to go about this is to eat healthy food at all meals, but I'm finding it so much easier to eat the same things I always eat and just eat less. I'm not cutting more calories than recommended, so I'm not starving myself or anything. I realize it's not the healthiest route to go, but...I am drinking lots of Propel! Which isn't quite as good for me as water, but it's definitely an improvement off my usual choice of Mountain Dew. I'm limiting myself to one per day, which doesn't sound very impressive, but, it is compared to the amount I used to drink. Hopefully as this goes on, I get down to less than that. It is only day two. I admit, it's not so much the commitment to health that is making me drink less soda, as the huge intrusion that it is onto my daily calorie limit. Once I go back to school, I can start running, and then I'm allowed more calories. Yay!

I went shopping today. Spent some money on myself - I haven't at all this summer. Every dime I've made and then some has gone toward my SEMO tuition bill, for summer classes and then for my first fall payment to buy time until they clear me for student loans. So, today I bought makeup and hair stuff. I would have gotten a haircut too, but I'm getting a free one in a few weeks from my cousin in cosmetology school, so I wanted to hold out until then. I get a free color then too. I felt like if I was going to go on a diet, I might be more committed to it if I didn't just have the general feeling that I looked like crap. That maybe better hair and a prettier face would motivate me to make my body become better. Will it work? We'll see.

Until next time,

~Kassius~

I Wanna Dance With Somebody....

Oh I wanna dance with somebody
I wanna feel the heat with somobody
I wanna dance with somebody
With somebody who loves me....

Dear Whitney Houston,
How'd you read my mind?

Don'tcha wanna dance
Say you wanna dance.....

:) I love to dance.
I love any kind of dance.... well, maybe not polka or anything weird like that, but I love dancing in the club. :) With my friends...with the guys I don't know.... anyone.
Ballet helps me remember....remember times when I was in control.
Dancing in the club helps me forget....forget all the things I wish had never happened.

So for now.... I wanna dance with somebody.... somebody who loves me....

Diez Cosas

So, lately I've been seeing the resurgence of the 25-things-about-yourself lists on Facebook. So, I'm going to do one too - with a twist. Here, for your reading pleasure, are 10 things about me that you could probably judge if you so chose. Why? Because I realized that one of the things I really liked about my "old" self - the person I was in high school - was that I often was the person other people were judging. I did what I did because it made me happy. Yeah, I may have been at Wal-Mart in my pajamas, and it might have made people feel better to make fun of me for it, but I'll let you in on a little secret - I usually didn't even notice it was happening. It ceased to be a blip on my radar screen. So, without further ado...

1) When I had them, I loved my camo pants. They ripped and I haven't been able to buy new ones yet, and it makes me sad.

2) I love the St. Louis Cardinals. And not in the oh-yay-go-team sort of way in which everyone loves the Cardinals. I mean, I can throw down player names and stats and standings. My grandpa and I used to watch the games together when I was in junior high and high school. It was part of how we bonded.

3) I play World of Warcraft, as well as Dungeons & Dragons. It's crazy fun.

4) I watch the Disney Channel shows. Some of them. I hate Phineas and Ferb. But Wizards of Waverly Place is cool, and the Zack and Cody shows, and the occasional Hannah Montana.

5) I can't seem to cry at appropriate times, but I'll bawl when it's not.

6) Addendum to that: I am incapable of crying at movies, but I'll bawl at a song if it applies to my situation. Lone Star's I'm Already There, Rascal Flatts' My Wish, and Drake's Find Your Love have all done it.

7) I always prefer to walk at the back of a group of people. Some would probably say that's a psychological wish to not be seen. Really, it's just because I'm always paranoid that someone's going to sneak up and yell, "Boo!"

8) I have kind of a Rain-Man thing with numbers. It's not a big secret, but I see numbers almost to the exclusion of objects(i.e. if I'm looking for your car, I won't remember that it's the one with the spoiler or the tinted windows or the smiley face on the antenna, but I will remember your license plate).

9) I can only eat one food at a time. I have to finish the corn before I start the mashed potatoes. Otherwise, the tastes will mix.

10) I wasn't romantically interested in anyone - ever - until about the age of sixteen. What that says about my emotional development, I don't know.

So...yeah. That's that. Love to you all.

~Kassius~

It's Sure Some Summer.....

So.... I've learned a lot this summer and since I'm a nice person, I thought I should share some of my new-found knowledge with you.

First of all there aren't a lot of places to eat here in Southeast Missouri, but Abigail told me that "QuizmO's and Paneria" are both really great places. I find this particularly enlightening because I've always pronounced them as Quizno's and Panera, but what do I know?

I've learned a lot about pandas this summer. Lydia has let's see....one, two, three, four... like a hundred stuffed pandas. I'm not kidding she has more pandas than I have...trains of thought. We've been to the Memphis Zoo this summer, because they're apparantly the only zoo around that has REAL life pandas.

Tabitha has educated me on everything Barbie. I've seen two Barbie movies since I arrived here. That's two more than I've seen in my whole life. I've learned the difference between Barbie and Kelly and Skipper, and regardless of what they look like all boy "barbies" are named Ken.

Oh....the many wasted hours playing Lego Rock Band. Matthew and I are bomb at it. Lemme just tell you. Also, he's such a little rockstar. That song "So What?!" by P!nk, he knows all the words now... He sings, I play the drums. We win everytime.

We took a roadtrip to Chicago. That was a long drive....

I used to think I just wasn't good at roadtrips. Now I know that I'm just horrible at them.

Six hours was way too long. "Are we there yet??!" Not a funny joke to me anymore.

I'm loving my summer, but I miss my roommate.

I wake up every morning and drag through my day missing my liddle Jellybean.

No matter how lovely my day is, no matter how many giggles... None of it can ever measure up to how wonderful it would be for my roommate to be here. With me.

Love, sun and giggles

Danielle

Mountain of Boxes!

College, as a part of growing up, is kind of a big deal. For most people, it's the first time you've ever lived away from home. It's when you get to take the classes you want, but there's a tradeoff - you have to decide what you want to be and where you want your life to go. It's when you find out just how responsible you are, how determined, how independent. It's either a chance to set a foundation for a really great life, or a chance to make a lot of big mistakes.

For most of us(including me), it's been both. I've changed a lot over the last three years. I've done things I never thought I could on my own, made new friends(some of whom are nothing like me), and had loads of new experiences, and I'm a better person for all of those things. I've learned which are the friendships that really can last a lifetime.

I've also made a lot of big, stupid mistakes. I've said and done things I never thought I would(and not in a good way). Academically, I'm far from where I could have been. Emotionally, I've let things get way too crazy. I had to lose the naive I-can-be-friends-with-everyone attitude I had when I left high school. Granted, better for it to go now than after a bad business deal or a broken marriage. But it was not a pleasant set of experiences.

Now, starting my last year, I see a lot of people around me second-guessing. Everything from degrees to engagements to locations - nothing is safe. Doubling back to the place where they made that choice, and wondering if the other path wouldn't have been...better. A little more scenic, maybe a little less uphill. And I'm not doing it. Me. The queen of second-guessing, worrying, and indecision. Sure, sometimes I freak out and wonder if I'm not going to be good enough for grad school. But overall, I wake up happy to be on the path that I'm on in life. And that worries me in and of itself.

Until next time,
~Kassius~

Yes, I'm Cold and Heartless

I don't think it's fair.
I think everyone should have the same pain percentage.
It isn't fair...it can make the people who live with more pain have problems with being sympathetic, compassionate, considerate.
It makes us look like heartless bitches.
Oh, your vacation got cancelled? I just got raped.
Yes, it is upsetting that your vacation is cancelled. It might be the most awful thing you've ever had to handle. For you, that's pretty high up there on your pain scale.
However, when I think about percentage.....Rape wins.
Your boyfriend broke up with you? My boyfriend broke my arm when he pushed me down the stairs.
You have a headache? I can't walk.
Your mom won't let you go the mall this Saturday? My mom won't talk to me.

Granted....it sounds like one of those situations where "my horse is bigger than your horse...." but in my mind it's far more complex than that.
I think I look at pain like....Janga?
That game where you pull the little blocks out from under each other.
Every time something bruises your heart, we'll pull out a block or two.

I've lived through enough shit that I just have a hard time feeling compassionate. I just can't bring myself to do it. I wallow and pout and once that's over I suck it up and move on. Like nothing happened. I just try to brace myself for another block to be ripped out and hope it's not the last one.

I look at other people's Janga towers.....
The people I really really know and I think it's not fair. That they have more blocks left than me.
That they stand a little taller and a little stronger than me.
That I've been pulled apart and it doesn't look like they've been touched.

It makes me seem like a cold heartless person.
And I hate it.
That's all.

MLIA

So I found this website one time.
Mylifeisaverage.com
I used to think it was really funny.
Then it got....too average.
I decided that FML was way better.


I spent a lot of time thinking and wishing today.

I think that I'm terrified of my life being average.

I want to be more than what people expect. I want to be something to look at. Someone that people want to remember. I want to be...larger than life. I want to be enchanting, mesmerizing, mysterious. I want to be something....a little bit more exciting than the norm.

I can't say I find myself particularly talented. I can hold my own on a few different things, but I can't really blow anyone away with anything....
Someday though, I would like to be able to. I'd like to boggle someone's mind.

I think it actually happened because I watched America's Got Talent last night.
Probably shouldn't have done that. Lol. Now I wish America thought I have talent.
Maybe someday??
Maybe I'll be infamous. :) I'll be famous for being awful at something. I think that would be better than being average.

Someday maybe you'll read about me somewhere or you'll see me on tv. Know what I'll say?
"My life ISN'T average"

Duck Duck Moose, Danni :)

Drake

"I'd better find your loving, I'd better find your heart

I bet if I give all my love, then nothing's gonna tear us apart."

I can't fully explain what it is that happens to me sometimes. Sometimes, I hear a song, or I'm outside at night, and something just clicks into place. I understand that thing better than I've ever understood anything else. And then when I look around, everything looks clearer. Sharper. Like right after I've gotten my new contact prescription from the optometrist. And yeah, sometimes during the day, things get foggy. Sometimes people question the thing that I just understood. But still, I know it's true.

My cousin Nikita loves Drake, and I didn't even realize that I was in love with this song until later when it was stuck in my head. And I figured something out...I think.

Love until next time,

~Kassius~

Position Filled

[11:46:34 AM] Roommate :) Bestfriends, I have discovered, are more than just the generic best friend. You see, because between the generic best and friend there is a space. They are still two separate people with two separate lives who just happen to get along very well. When you remove that space, you retain two separate people and personalities but they are much closer--they become part of each other. In that they become one word, one name... They share hearts, experiences, pain, friends, laughs, memories. At the close of the day, best friends would say goodbye, see you later. At the close of our day, us bestfriends fall asleep in the middle of a conversation that picks right back up in the morning. We never say goodbye. ~ Chris Latini

Today I was thinking about bestfriends and best friends. I think that regardless of what your title is...being a friend is a job. It takes sacrifice. Sometimes it's one you're glad to make. Other times it's harder.... In order to help you (meaning me) become an even better best friend I have written a job description.
As best friend it is your job:

Remind her that she's pretty.

Make her feel better when she's sick.

Be brave with her. Try new things.

Pretend to be braver than your friend so she'll try it with you.

It is your job to make sure that the hug/tickle/cuddle ratio is exceeded every day. No one like an under achiever.

It is your job to keep life surprising.

Laugh at her jokes. Even if they aren't funny.

Tell her your jokes. Even if they aren't funny.

It is your job to beat someone up when they mess with her.

You are supposed to make sure that she gets enough chocolate. Which means you HAVE to eat chocolate too. It's a big sacrafice I know...

In order to help keep your best freind healthy, you should do something adventurous every once in a while. Like sneak up on her.

Try new things before her so she won't have to.

Eat the food she won't eat. This ensures that you can be Snack Buddies.

Teach her something she doesn't know.

Make a big deal out of special things.

Your attendance is required at all friend focused functions. Regardless of how focused it really is on your friend. If she's in it you better be front row center cheering the loudest.

Share your clothes. You can't wear them all at once.

Make her feel safe when she feels afraid, unsure....when she doubts.
This is a big one. This is when your title of bestfriend also means Gatekeeper. You are supposed to be the strong one. You're like...the secretary. You screen calls and such...only....you screen people's thoughts before they try to share them with your bestfriend. It's like...being the personal security guard. This one is harder for me to explain... I don't really know how to explain how to do it, but maybe with bestfriends there need not be an explanation... However, it is your job to do whatever you can with whatever means you can....to let no harm come her way. Do all you can and then do ten percent more..because 100% isn't really all...

Break the rules with her. Who else can you TP the boys' dorm with?

Share your dreams. Share your secrets.

It is your job to cheer her up if she is sad.

I've heard it said that frienship is sharing the common vision that life is better becuase the other person is around. I think that a bestfriend-ship is just that. Regardless of whether life feels good or bad....it's better because of your bestfriend. At your lowest of low it's still ok, because you have your bestfriend.

Your job is to make her life better.
If she's really your bestfriend, she'll be doing the same thing.
From there, life is all you need it to be.

Testing Testing... 1...2...3...

I'm a tester. It's true.
I push people to their limits wondering to see if they'll still love me.
Do you do that or is it just me?
After someone convinces me that they love me I want to push them away...often more than once...to see if they love me as much as they say.
It's hard not to....
When you were little and your mom told you to....let's say....stop tapping on the window.
You tapped just once or twice more after she told you to stop right? Just to make sure she meant it? No, to see how many more times you could do it before she told you to stop again.
I do that with people....
They tell me they love me.
They seem like they mean it...
Once I start to believe it in my heart I have to stop and I have a mini freak out....

What if I think they love me more than they do?!?!?
What if they'll love me less if they knew....
What happens when they leave???

I like to push people as far away as I can....
If they come back and still love me after that then I think they're worth it.

This makes me sound like a horribly cold awful person....
To be honest I think I love more people than I think love me back...
My problem is that I can't stand the hurt of someone loving me less than I think they love me.
I can love someone without them loving me in return. That's ok. I can handle that.
My heart gets broken everytime though when someone pulls out the "I'll always be your friend" card. It happens....I get to that point where I'm trying to make them know that I love them and I remember them and they don't love or remember me back....after they said always. It's a problem.
I have two exceptions to this rule. I hope the two of you know who you are... If you don't then I fail like none other. I have an always....I have a toujours. I love you both :) Many much mostly. Cross my heart.

Tonight, I'm afraid.

I'm dizzy.
I'm sitting still and the room keeps moving.
I'm not sick.
I think maybe I'm just losing it.
I'm afraid once again that maybe I was right.
That maybe the end of the season is closer than I thought.
That the dream...the hope... was once again wasted on me.
I know I only asked for a daily promise of tomorrow, and when I asked for that it seemed ok at the time....but I think I really wanted a promise for always....
I just want everything to STOP.
I want the thing that's hurting me to go away, but I feel like my heart can't handle that.
It's one in the morning and I'm so confused.
I feel like i'm running in circles chasing something that wouldn't chase me if I ran the other way.
I'm not making sense but my fingers keep typing away at the keys...
click
click
click
click



If I wait to long the silence scares me so I keep typing and whispering to myself to fill the silence.
I have nothing to say.
I have no one to tell......
That tonight I'm afraid.

No Van Gogh....

So this is my latest artistic endeavor. I'm no Van Gogh obviously, but I do try to at least make things... discoverable? Uhm...maybe I mean discipherable? I like to try to paint so that you can tell what it is... Anyway, this is my latest and it's not the best, but it means a lot to my heart, which I think means the most.... I'm hoping that maybe this summer I can find my artistic side. Maybe a painting a week.... That sounds like a good goal right? My life is a little crazy... I'm glad that I have a toujours somewhere. I look at my picture and much like when I look at myself, my eyes are drawn to the mistakes. They linger there and my insides deflate, wishing I was better. I should have done that different. I should have thought this through a little more. I should have waited on that part... Art is like life....I'm not sure how, but it is. I'm hoping though, that maybe, the more I paint the better I'll feel about it. Maybe I'll get to the point where I can look at them and see beauty before mistakes. Hopefully I can look at myself that way too one day.... Love and paint stains, Danielle

I can't think of a title today.

Ah, friends. Those best and worst of people. I think it's safe to say that I wouldn't be where I am today without my friends. They've taught me how to be more outgoing, take pride in who I am and where I'm headed in life, and stand up for things that I thought I couldn't. They've given me advice on everything from school to guys to clothes to family to money and everything else. They've gone on countless Taco Bell, McDonald's, and Fazoli's runs with me. They've kept in touch while in other cities, states, and even countries. They know me better than I know myself, and they love me anyway, though only God knows why.

Rachel, Keara, Lori, Danni, and Liz: I love you with all my heart. I don't know how my world would keep turning without you. I can tell you anything, absolutely anything, and know that I'll still have you at the end of the day. Raych will buy me custard, giggle, and marvel at the weirdness of the situations I find myself in. Keara will give me the Keara-reality check, and tell me the things that I may not want to hear, but really need to. Lori will come up with about eighty new solutions to the problem that I hadn't even considered. Danni will tell me some similar story of hers in an attempt to make me feel a little less bad about the whole thing, and then buy Taco Bell. Liz probably won't even hear about the problem until three months later, via the journals we exchange, but the very fact of writing to her always calms me down and helps me realize that all situations can be worked through if you're stubborn enough to keep trying and patient enough to wait. Stubbornness, I have in abundance. Patience...well, I'm working on it.

I've also been lied about, lied to, made fun of and backstabbed by people who would probably once have made that list. And to those people, I don't know why you don't have anything better to do than try to make me miserable, but I definitely have better things to do than try to become the person you want me to be. But this isn't about them. This is about those people who are there, no matter what. I only hope that I've been even half as close of as much of a blessing to you as you have to me.

I love you,

~Kassius~

Speed of Sound and Silence

It's noisy here, and I can't really hear anything.
The fan is going.
My phone is ringing.
The music's on.
The dvd menu is repeating for the hundredth time.
It's noisy here, and I can't really hear anything.

I'm afraid of quiet.
It's the time when my thoughts run amuck; without direction or permission.
It's the time when my thoughts get sneaky.
The ones I push to the far corners come out of hiding to taunt me.

I plug my ears and hum, hoping the echoes will drown out my thoughts, but all I hear are the tantalizing whispers of the thoughts I can't control.

can't remember
doesn't matter
forgotten
did you....?
please....
wait!!!
come back
wait!!!
please....
did you....?
forgottten
doesn't matter
can't remember

The littlest glimpses of thoughts... those whispers... are killing me quietly amidst all the noise.

♫ Soundtrack Of My Summer ♫

So here's my current summer soundtrack....
Music is so many things to me right now.
My therapy.
My addiction.
My escape.
My heart.

It says all those things I need to say, that I'm not brave enough to say out loud.

♫ Am I supposed to be happy? Well all I've ever wanted, it comes with a price...
~Cat and Mouse
I've learned a lot in the past year.....
A year ago today I was at the Honor Academy. I was in Texas, calling future missionaries and equipping them to go to out into all the world. Weeks after that I was in Missouri. I thought for the last time. Six weeks after that I was in Kansas...not knowing much beyond that... I'm made a million decisions in the past year, and this summer I'm looking at the price of each of them. The prices I've payed, and the one I'll probably pay everyday for the rest of my life.

♫ But you found me when no one else was looking... How did you know just where I would be?
~You Found Me
My hero, my rescue....if you read this I hope you know who you are. You've seen potential in me that no one else even cared to look for. You dared me to dream of being just a little bit more than what was expected. I owe you the world.

♫ Darling, you are the only exception...
~The Only Exception
Dear roommate.... I think that I have to be someone for everyone, I have to be a little happier, a little more exciting...but not with you. You are my only exception. ♥

♫ If no one will listen if you decide to speak, if no one's left, standing after the bombs explode, if no one wants to look at you for what you really are...I will be here still...
~If No One Will Listen
I think that maybe this is the best song I've heard in a long time. I think it's what everyone wants. Someone that's willing to wait around for you to say what you need to say. Someone who will hold your hand through all life's explosions. Someone who actually knows who you really are, for whoyou think you really are and still loves you anyway.

♫ Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now....
~Airplanes
I need a wish. I need a few wishes actually. There aren't very many shooting stars are there?? I want to imagine in my head that there's at least one shooting star for everyone on Earth, but at the same time I'm almost afraid that I've missed mine.

♫ Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show, and I thought that being strong meant never losing your self control....
~Tonight I Want To Cry
I don't think that this one needs any explanation. The title says it all.

♫ Is this as hard as it gets!?! Is this what it feels like to really cry?!?
~Cry
Once again, no explanation, just face value. This summer has just begun, and already I've felt my lowest of low.

I Stand Tall To Get By...

Life goes on
Can leave us with sorrow and pain
And I hold on
To all that you are
To all that we'll be
And I can go on once again

I can live I can dream
Once again
'Cause you made me believe

~ Celine Dion

It amazes me how everything I ever really need to say can be said through lyrics alone. I sit sometimes in my room and I marvel at the beauty of words. How amazing is it that the word.... because can become a beautiful thing when strung together with other things. What about the word light? It's a plain word... "please turn on the light" is nothing special, but "your face is enchanting, it's like a waterfall of light..." is something that could take your breath away.
I used to think that if I could write something beautiful, something that really meant something, that maybe, my life would go somewhere... That it would brighten a bit...

It hasn't happened like that. I think now, I write more because I enjoy it, not because I want it to mean anything, or because I think it should be remembered, because I never really have anything to say...

Music is the most beautifully written thing I think...
I'm sitting alone on this lovely summer night, and I think that maybe, music makes up for all of the ugly of today. "I believe in you and me...and I believe that we will be..." "So I stand tall to get by...no matter how hard I try to hide..." "Have I told you lately that I love you?" "I believe I believe I believe in you..." If only people said such things in real life...

Waiting,
Danielle

Gone Postal

So here I am. I'm in Missouri. It's all familiar and totally foreign all at the same time. Same location on the map, totally different me, totally different people, totally different feeling. If your eyes wander over to the left you will see the new me. I have violet in my hair. It's such a little thing, but it feels so happy and free.....

CONFESSIONS:
1. I've become addicted to my toothpaste. I got the foamy kind and now I just like the way it makes my teeth feel, so I brush my teeth a little more than necessary.
2. I've eaten more vegetables in the past two weeks than I have in the past two years.
3. I ate Ben and Jerry's out of the carton last night.
4. I miss my roommate.
5. I like to lick stamps....the new sticker kind that don't need to be licked make me disappointed.

I've gone postal. SOOOO I think I'll go sit under the mailbox and wait for a letter from my penpal. :)

Pizza, Soda, and Dried-Up Sympathy

At my university, we have a textbook distribution system called Textbook Rental. Whereas at most schools you go to the university bookstore and buy your books, possibly selling them back at the end of the semester and getting only a fraction of what you paid, we allow students to rent. They rent the books they need for their classes, paying about $22 per course, and they bring the books back after finals.

There is a catch...The program's success depends on students returning their books and returning them on time, so that students in subsequent semesters can use them. So, students have until the Monday after finals to return their books. If they are not returned at that point, they are automatically sold to the student. That's when you get the $500-$600 bill, and that's when people start getting angry. Naturally, they have all kinds of reasons why they couldn't bring their books back. So, for your viewing pleasure, here are some of my personal favorite reasons why people couldn't bring their books back on time. And no, none of these are jokes.

1) My dog ate them.
2) I got here at 4:05 on Monday and you all were closed, and the door was locked. (My supervisor stayed until 5:00, and the door was standing open.)
3) You never told me when they were due. (The label on the front of the book says this, it's on their receipt when they check the books out, we mail reminder postcards to everyone, we put up flyers all over campus, there's a giant red box outside the bookstore for returns...)
4) We were having a party and some drunk guy peed on them.
5) I worked all day on Monday. (Books can be turned in any time prior to Monday.)
6) They're locked in my apartment and I'm home for the summer. (...and you want me to do...what?....)
7) My significant other/roommate/friend said he/she would turn them in. (A mess waiting to happen...)
8) I put them in that big box on Monday on my lunch break. ("That big box" isn't open when Rental is open. It gets taken out for good Monday morning.)
9) That guy who crossed out the postmark date and wrote a new one so we'd think he sent it earlier
10) "My son or daughter..." Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to bend the rules because Mommy called instead...Nope.
11) I was out of town and my final was online, and it was due on Monday. (That's why they have the Post Office, UPS, and FedEx.)
12) The deadline used to be Friday. (No. No, it really didn't.)
13) I thought I could keep them. (Hello? RENTAL?)

Oh, well. It's pizza day, in honor of Amanda's last day(sad) and Kelci's birthday(happy!), so that helps. More excuses later, because, dear ones, more are sure to come.
~Kassius~

Frozen Moments

Dearest Blog,

Yes, I'm still alive.... Here I am.
Little old me hasn't forgotten you, I just haven't felt as though there's anything worth writing in my life...
The show went well. :) I didn't trip.... that's a huge deal to me.
I got roses for the first time in my life on opening night. There were people there who came just to see me. Having people proud of me was a huge deal.
Tonight, I'm sitting in my beanbag with tears in my eyes missing something that I can't name. Maybe it's actually the fear that I'm going to miss something....
It's like that feeling of waiting for the principal's office.
That dread that someone is going to break up with you...
A sick feeling that maybe I'm not as loved as I think I am...
This is a big emptying of honesty for me, but dear blog, if I don't tell you I won't tell anyone.
This then goes out to anyone who mourns the loss of something before it gets lost. I think it makes it easier if you deal with it and get it out of the way.
Thus here I sit... dealing with it...whatever it is.
Love,
Danielle

Death of a Manual Transmission

When I was eleven, my dad took me out in his truck to let me drive for the first time. (There are advantages to living in the middle of nowhere.) He drove a stick shift at the time, so naturally I had more problems than I otherwise might have, but essentially had the basics down by the end of that lesson. I didn't drive again until I was fourteen, and by then all the vehicles in the family had automatic transmissions, so I never did practice and become proficient with a manual transmission.

Adam's car just happens to be a stick shift, and so I can't really drive it. I always feel a little guilty when he's tired or something and I know that I could offer to drive him home, except that I can't drive his car. That, combined with the fact that it's one of those things I might need to know someday in an emergency, and that I don't want to limit my vehicle purchasing options in the future, made me ask him for lessons. He agreed, and we practiced last Saturday. I managed not to kill the engine four times out of six, but even when I didn't kill it, it was usually because I overcompensated the other way and over-revved the engine, which isn't terribly harmful, but does make some scary noises. More on my driving adventures to come later. If you've noticed that Danni hasn't posted in a while, she happens to be in a play(Steel Magnolias!), but hopefully will return to us after!

Have fun, kids.

~Kassius~

"Everyone hits their stride. You just hit yours fifty years ago."

Hello, everyone, on this dreary Monday that "welcomes" us back from spring break. Everyone at SEMO is either dragging themselves to class and work or sleeping through it all, and I can't say that I blame them. Dreary weather AND a Monday? I'm amazed I'm even out of bed.

Anyway, today's post is all about: The Emperor's New Groove! I watched this movie with Adam last night, and had forgotten how terribly funny it was. Some of my favorite quotes:

"I'll turn him into a flea. A harmless little flea. And then, I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself. And when it arrives...I'll smash it with a hammer!!!" - Yzma

Kuzco: "Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall."
Pacha: "Yup."
Kuzco: "Sharp rocks at the bottom?"
Pacha: "Most likely.
*pause*
Kuzco: "Bring it on."

Yzma: "All right! I've had enough of this. Tell us where the talking llama is and we'll burn your house to the ground!"
Kronk: "Don't you mean 'or'?"
Yzma: "Fine! Tell us where the talking llama is OR we'll burn your house to the ground!"

"Llama face!"

"'Ooh, I'm a crumbly canyon wall, and I'm taking you with me.' Well, not today, pal! Uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!"

The little shoulder angel and devil are also some of my favorites, as well as Pacha's children.

That's all for now.
Back soon, with more randomness.
~Kassius~

HAPPY REUNION :) and some noodles

So this is really late...but hey better late than never right??
Here WE are. :) Yes We are together. :) :) :) :) :) ;) <---- I'm a little happy. A lot happy. MANY MUCH HAPPY! MANY MUCH HAPPY!!! Well, isn't it just my luck.... I've been over and above beyond excited to sit down here with Kass and write a blog!! TOGETHER!! AT THE SAME TIME!! And now that we're here, we don't know what to say. :/ huh. Story of my life. (danni) So, we're making Easy Mac and watching Madagascar. Apparently, we're trying to recreate our elementary-school days, and doing a pretty fantastic job of it. Except we're actually old enough to drive to the store ourselves and get mac and cheese. We bought a box with Spongebob noodles and a box of 39-cent noodles, and put them in the pan together. That's right. We beat the system. You wish you were this awesome. Except we ended up with too much water in the pan and had to drain some water, which was...interesting. But somehow they look fantastic. We will try them now... The cheap noodles taste better we think. Lunch today has been a success!! :) Maybe next time we'll stick with one box of cheap noodles.... This was a LOT of macaroni. (Random funny, the first time I typed it, I said macarolinei) ha. We HAD a happy video of our search for el macaroni....but now we don't...so instead we have a list of 7 things that you COULD have seen in the video that you would have enjoyed. :)
Random things in the video that we find especially funny and why:
1. Dillweed? What is that really? Also, upon returning to the cabinet in search of salt, we found another container of dillweed. What's it for?
2. "Pots and pans..." Could I have any stranger of and accent?? (Kassius says I returned from Kansas with a wacked out accent... I think she's right)
3. Jello/Pudding cup? How did I mess up the contents of a snack pack? Also I said Snyack Pyack. Jersey?
4. Red Bull! (This is funny because: Kassy's father is a little bit health conscious. Only a large smidge. (Which means a lot.) Red Bull is not healthy. I think it's his equivalent to a woman's chocolate indulgence.
5. Water bottles. This also has to do with Kassy's father's healthy mind. He always says "Drink more water." This is now a constant joke that comes up in any and every conversation. It's usually either the opening or closing statement.. "Be good....and drink more water!!!" :)
6. SOCCER BALL!! I'm still as random as ever. Also.... ADD.
7. This isn't actually part of the video, but Kass continued to shoot video for a good 15 seconds before she realized that the memory card was full. (In all honesty, I just really wanted a number 7.

T-Minus 2 hours and 45 minutes...

In 2 hours and 45 minutes I will walk out of my room for the last time this week. Unless I forget something which is incredibly likely.
24 hours from now I will be in the midst of great people. :) People I haven't seen for far too long.
:) I'm so happy that my mind is fuzzy and my heart is running over with excitment.
I really don't have much to say, but I thought I would take a moment and share a smidge of my excitement. That's how important this is to me.
The next time I write I will be with my bestie from Kidnergarten. My beloved Kassius. I will see you soon. :)
Peace, Love, and Train Rides....
Danni

Cotton-Headed-Ninny-Muffins??!?!?

The worst thing?
A muffin....
Let's rewind a little.....


Today, my friend was headed off to one of her art classes. Sounds exciting right?!? I'm definitely not jealous....and here's why-

She was driving...all of the three blocks off campus to the art building.
That was her first mistake...it was a beautiful day and she was lazy and drove her car.
On her way there she was trying to be a racecar driver or something and rounded the corner too fast and spilled the valued contents of her beloved art box. (haha)
I think this was karma for hurting the environment on such a lovely day.

She pulled into the parking lot where I'm sure she spent some time grumping as she tried to put her things back together. She then lost four of those nifty pencils that are made ESPECIALLY for drawing....as if regular pencils suck too much?? She lost them in the magical crevice where things don't ever come back.... you lose your cell phone there when you're driving in a lot of traffic.... ya, THAT crevice.

She got out of the car.. (this is the funniest part) hhahha
When she stepped out of the car so she could try to rescue her pencils...she stepped in....

poop?
a puddle?
mud?

No, it was a muffin.
A muffin you say?
Yes, a muffin... as in, "Do you know the Muffin Man?"
Yes... he must not have done his job well today becuase he lost one in the parking lot...right next to my Cotton-Headed-Ninny-Muffin's (<- Court) car.

:) Love and muffins.... Danni

Don't Judge Me...

(Danni, you're really free to skip this entry. It's all about an RPG, and not so much about anything major going on with me. But I know you, and you get easily bored and will probably read it anyway.)

From the time we were little, we were told that the game Dungeons and Dragons was demonic, that playing it made us bad Christians. I've come to find, it's demonic in the same sense that Harry Potter is. Yes, they use magic. Yes, some people go crazy with it. Yes, people sometimes think it's real and go hunting for evil sources of the supernatural.

But at its heart, it's a game. Just like Harry Potter is a book. Actually, kind of a fun game. It's a role-playing game, meant to be played in a group. My group includes five characters, counting myself.

Amerie is a bard elf(from what I've gathered, bards are wise, well-travelled musicians) and our diplomatic badass. Amerie can flatter, intimidate, and otherwise convince anyone to do anything, and that's only a slight exaggeration. Which, now that I think of it, is a decent description of "Amerie's" real-life personality. She's also one of the main two people in our group to consult for knowledge of various subjects, which is a pretty big deal, since we know close to nothing.

Her sister, Elyon, is a healer. She is a cleric who gains power from her faith, which is one aspect of this game that I really like. Aside from the fact that without her we'd all eventually die, Elyon's spell-casting ability is increasing. She is a huge stabilizing and level-headed force in our group, which, again, is similar to the personality of "Elyon" in reality. Amerie and Elyon's parents were killed in a raid of the elven lands, and now the girls are nomads, for lack of a better term.

Lord James the "Benevolent" is a human fighter. He is the only one of us aligned with evil(the rest are good or neutral). As you can probably guess from the title, he is our primary force in battle, throwing down the main hits to the baddies. Of course, this means he gets most of the fire from the opposing side, but LJ is pretty tough, and with Elyon there, it's no big deal. He's also good with climbing, swimming, and other skills that rely primarily on strength. The current ruler of the human lands is evil. James' father had planned to kill the ruler, for the overall good of the kingdom, but James exposed his father's plot, and was run out of his fief(heh heh. Fief.) by his father's servants. Although I keep repeating it, this story could easily belong to "Lord James" in real life.

J-Bone is a gnome, and a wizard. Although wizards start off pretty slow, he's learning more and more, and now has a spell that creates a giant ball of fire, among others. J-Bone has been in school for his entire life, and is getting out to experience the "real world" for the first time. He's the other knowledgeable person in our group - since he's studied for so long, he knows just about everything about magic that there is to know, even if he can't use it all yet. J-Bone is a little lost and a little obnoxious, but when push comes to shove, he's there. Again, very much like the real "J-Bone."

And me? My character is Gwenyvere, a halfling rogue. Halflings are human-ish, except for only being about two and a half feet tall. Rogues are, well, typically known as thieves, but my character's not a thief - or rather, she only steals from our enemies. She's more of a scout and a long-range fighter. My father is the king of the halflings, but he's a very oppressive and cruel ruler. After growing up getting absolutely nowhere with change as the halfling princess, I faked my own death and began a new life as a rogue. The goal of all this is for me to someday take the kingdom from my father and rule it kindly.

Basically, Gwenyvere is a badass. She's practically invisible when she's scouting, and her sneak attack is just about unbeatable. Since she's so short, she's difficult to hit in battle. She can also find traps like no other, and she's pretty tough, too.

Of course, there's a catch. She's neither attractive, nor well-liked. She's absolutely no use in diplomatic situations. She has no magic and almost no money. She's really not a lot of help in situations that don't involve scouting or fighting or sneaking.

Basically, there's no middle ground with this girl. When something needs to be done, she's either doing a hundred and ten percent, or nothing at all.
That sounds awfully familiar.
Interesting.

~Kassius~

Tomorrow Instead of Today

I think the word Today is the most powerful word I've heard in a long time.

Today.... a single word sliced through my heart.

It opened a wound... a Pandora's box of emotions I've kept masked and locked up for so long I didn't think I'd have to deal with them for a long time.



It's such a common word. Why does it mean so much?

It's difficult to explain, but one person's simple response of "Today" made me question who I am...

That's a question I hate... It brings up all those other questions like "What do you really think of me?" and "Do you think I'm a bad person?".



Today brought conviction and guilt from a source I would never imagine it from.

Today brought up so many insecurities... Am I who I think I am? Am I who I thought you think I am? Am I a horrible person?



Maybe Today I am....
Maybe Tomorrow would have been better?

The Rants of Kassius, Part 2

So, they're at pretty much every college campus in the country, save the more conservative, private, Christian ones. They're the ones that wanted to take the caste system of high school and continue it in college when the rest of us just wanted to transition into something that more resembled the real world. Worst of all, it's impossible to tell one from the next - they all look the same, bunch of crazy clones.

Aka, the Greeks.

Now, I have friends that are Greeks. And yes, spare me the lecture, I know it's not all supposed to be about drinking and hooking up with your "brothers" and "sisters," and that they're not all the same. But seriously, a lot of them are the same. I just about ran over eight million of them in the parking lot at Towers(my dorm) getting off of a school bus. (It makes me laugh that they use buses.) But here are my main problems with the Greek system:

1) It's totally class-ist. You can't pay, you don't get in, end of story. Lots of college students are fighting tooth and nail just to get through schooling, let alone pay hundreds of dollars a year in fraternity or sorority dues.
2) It's too "high school." There's this whole system of ranking for who's better than who else. Everyone at SEMO knows that Alpha Delta Pi is "on top," Tri-Delta is the "slutty" sorority, Alpha Xi Delta is "old news" and the Tri-Sigmas "didn't get in anywhere else." Gamma Phi Beta is the "nice and smart" sorority, and Alpha Chi Omega...well, I couldn't even remember their name, so that tells you about them, lol.
3) And you don't even want to get into the dynamics of fraternities. It's way worse.
4) I hate meeting someone, and then seeing him or her in a Greek group and not even being able to pick out the person that I met.
5) Even though the lifestyle isn't necessarily about the drinking and sleeping around, I feel like it's accepted and encouraged in those circles. Not cool.

End of rant #2, because, well, I have a headache. New entry soon.

~Kassius~

TOO MUCH TICKLES

Today my best friend tickled me so much I threw up.

<----(That's her she looks all sweet and innocent, but she's a vicious tickler)

Yes, it happened. Some people get tickled so much that they pee themselves, but not me! Oh no, instead I threw up. Not a pleasant experience. However, in all honesty I became significantly more cheery than before the tickling commenced. :) I think a lot of things about tickling....

T is for tickles.

Depending on if you are the recipient or the giver of the tickles, it could also be called TORTURING.

Tickling is never good right after eating.

Tickling is good for cheering up.

I am ticklish and my roommate is not. This is not fair.

Tickling is good excercise.

It is not a good idea to tickle someone on a small space... for example- tickling on a twin size bed is sure to end with someone falling on the floor....or possibly onto the coffee table.

Tickling is a great way to induce an asthma attack.

Tickling with long fingernails is scary.

I think maybe tickling would be a more enjoyable if there were rules....sort of like how there are rules for calling shotgun???

For example:

1. Before starting a tickle fight there should be an exclamation of some kind.... to serve as a warning so that the recipient of the tickles will have a moment to prepare.

2. Tickling should only be done in a large empty space.

3. Tickling must be paused if the recipient can't breathe, but can be resumed as soon as the instigator of the tickling has checked, and is sure that the recipient is recieving the necessary oxygen to survive.

4. Sitting on top of the recipient of the tickles is a personal foul.

5. BITING is not allowed while tickling.

I think five rules is enough.....

So, with these rules in mind, go tickle someone till they pee themselves and let me know how it goes....

In Honor of America's Only Dual Holiday

As far as I know, people in America have a common sentiment about most holidays. Christmas, good, even if you don't celebrate it. Veteran's Day, sad, but proud. Thanksgiving, good for the food. Except for that holiday, either the best or worst of the year depending on your current status....that is, Valentine's Day, or Single Awareness Day.

For as long as I've realized the difference, I've been recognizing Single Awareness Day, being jealous of all the girls who got flowers and chocolate and stuffed animals, and telling myself that I wasn't the kind of girl who needed flowers and chocolate to make me happy. And that's still true - I don't need that. But this year, I did happen to be one of those girls that had a guy show up at the science hall with a dozen red roses on Friday, and who got a heart-shaped box of chocolates and a giant stuffed dog. (I have to say, the flowers and chocolate were really great and thoughtful on his part and all that, but I am really quite excited about the giant red stuffed dog. I love it!) It's a strange experience. But even though I do love my giant dog, I still think that Valentine's Day is pretty overrated. Like, yay, you're in a relationship. I assume you already knew that. It's nice to celebrate it. It's not really nice to throw it in the faces of other people.

On a more random note: During dinner on Sunday night at Ruby Tuesday, some guy in an orange hat waved at me. I thought it was one of my more musically inclined friends, Picar - he has an orange sock cap, about which he has written a song, "Bulletproof Orange Hat" - but it turned out to be the chair of the chemistry department(aka, one of my professors) at SEMO. Awkward...

So, to all who celebrated Single Awareness Day: I'm still with you in spirit. Tell Hallmark to back off a little bit.

XOXO,
~Kassius~

The Mish-Mash Entry

The anecdotes of my life for the last couple of weeks have not been blog-worthy. It's been all class, work, and sleep. But there are a few things that are worth sharing, just not in an entry by themselves. Thus, the Mish-Mash Entry:



1) Last weekend, Cape Girardeau pretty much had a blizzard. I went out anyway, with my friends Susan and Hannah, Zack(aka I'm-Hannah's-boyfriend-except-not-really-because-I-already-have-a-girlfriend-at-Mizzou-but-I-really-like-you-Hannah), and Adam. The place we chose was completely dead due to said blizzard. Eventually we gave up and went to Denny's. Good times.

2) Thursday night at dinner, it was really crowded in the cafeteria, because it was Premium Night(aka, Towers serves better food than usual). Lori, Justin and I were at a three-person table, until someone realized that we still had two people joining us. Pretty much every large table was full, except for one close to us that had just been vacated by all but one guy. We proceeded to invade the table, with many apologies. We watched the guy go up to the food, get another plate, and sit with someone else at another table on the far side of the cafeteria. Oops.

3) I was tapped on the butt in the dinner line on the same night by some girl's foot. The owner of the foot said hello and asked how I was. Didn't know her. The doppelganger strikes again.

4) I got less than the appropriate amount of sleep on Tuesday night. I am still suffering for it. It's Saturday.

5) My fave song is still Cowboy Casanova by Carrie Underwood, but it has some competition in one of my old loves, New Divide by Linkin Park.

Surely, some truly interesting thing shall happen soon. And I shall write. Until then, peace, love, and Mountain Dew.

~Kassius~

8 Hours 1 Car Millions of Giggles

Roadtrip Tally Board (BORED)

Number of tumbleweeds counted on trip: 104

Funny Town Names: Leoti; WaKeeney; Kanorado: Wamego; Hoxie; Park (command? Request? Location for children to play?): Trego; Ogallah

Phrases spoken by Danni and Chris at the same time: LOTS (probably like ten)

Leftovers still in Colorado: 3 pieces of pizza, two chicken strips; half a biscuit; ¾ of a bag of shredded cheese; one carton of cookie dough ice-cream minus all the cookie dough pieces, and one spoon that got lost somewhere in the dishwasher

Number of obscene songs blared in the Christian school parking lot: Only 1 (Level of Obscenity: 8)

Days gone without Danni cursing: 4

Days gone without Chris cursing: 2

Number of times Chris drove off the road: TO COLORADO 15 FROM COLORADO 2

Amount of Subway dropped in Chris’s lap: many much bread crumblies

Maximum number of miles gone over the speedlimit: 24

Awkward introductions at Chris’s church: basically like 7

Number of church services attended 2 ½

Bitch moves by Chris: One Really Big One (big enough that there should be a song about it)

Creepy sort of stalkerish introductions: One. This one was bad enough that it covers and exceeds Chris’s bitch move.

FML blog: Alabama: 1 Colorado: 1 Kansas(s): 1

Traffic cones Danni was tempted to steal: hundreds

Hilarious commercials seen on TV: 2

Mexican meals eaten: 3

Number of drunk people seen at church: 1 (very drunk Mexican)

I took a roadtrip with my bestie/roomie this weekend…

It was one of those amazing adventures full of lots of little stories that I’ll probably remember for the rest of my life. So on a bright note really quick I finally finished my Jazz (De)Appreciation Class on Thursday, and once again I stayed up way too late the night before the last class to study for my test and finish my final paper and such… but Chris and I decided to make a cake at like midnight because it sounded good. We then realized that we were going to leave the next morning and it probably wasn’t the best idea to bake a cake because we wouldn’t get it eaten before we left and we weren’t sure it would be good when we returned on Monday evening. Unfortunately by the time we thought through all of this we had already put the cake in the oven so there was no turning back. We put the cake in at 12:18 and took it out at 1 something…. It was a beautiful cake so we put it in the fridge finished up our stuff for the night and went to bed. The fate of the cake was still to be determined. The next morning we went to our last class and then had a cheery little lunch in the caf before heading out. You will be happy to hear that the cake was rescued from the fridge and was brought as a passenger in the backseat.

Now let me tell you something about Kansas(s)… it’s ugly. It’s downright ugly. We drove through a flat, foggy state for 4 ½ hours with creepy abandoned farms and houses without roofs and roofs without houses. It’s creepy. Creepy plus ugly = Kansas(s)….but anyway, back to the cake. It was a naked cake. It didn’t have any frosting or sprinkles or anything. Poor lonely cake in the backseat. :/ Things got better for the cake because…. We frosted the cake as we crossed the border from Kansas(s). Not only did we frost it, but we put sprinkles on it too. Did we plan for it to happen as we crossed the border? No…but I think it was a subconscious celebration because we were leaving the ugly fog (horror movie like) state.

An amazing thing happened the first night in Colorado. I went to sleep at 10:30. That’s ridiculously early for me. Like incredibly early. I just thought that would be worth mentioning.

Friday was cool… I saw the mountains for the first time in my life. It was totally amazing. J They’re so big…. It was definitely a new thing for me. While gazing upon the mountains I realized two things about Colorado. 1. Everyone has big dogs that they like to take for walks. 2. Everyone in Colorado has a bike. I met Chris’s brother’s girlfriend Jen on Friday….but not her brother. That made me laugh. We went to Macy’s and I bought a super cheap dress and had French fries from a McDonalds that appeared to have part of a train car attached to the back….? It was weird. We went to Chris’s grandparent’s house and had burritos for dinner. This is where a slight dent got put in my day… I stole property from a senior citizen in a ferocious game of card Monopoly. I don’t think I’ll ever live it down. Things got a little better when Chris and I went to Walmart and bought socks and ice cream… We somehow managed to pack for Colorado without either of us packing socks.

Saturday we took a trek up into the mountains… We saw lots of cool stuff up there in the mountains like deer and elk and all that cool stuff. It was really cold way up there in the mountains. Not just chilly, not just cold….like really cold, ungodly cold in my opinion. Elk and deer are cool, but the best thing spotted on the mountain? A crazy girl getting married ON the frozen lake. It was windy and cold and you wouldn’t think anyone would want to be outside at all, but there she was, a girl in a gorgeous dress getting married out there on the lake. I was impressed. Confession: I fail as a friend. On the way back down the mountain, I (accidentally) alluded to my bestie’s delinquency in front of her mother. Not on purpose, but my brain doesn’t function as well in higher elevation and so it wasn’t really thought about as it came out of my mouth.

That night, we went to King Soopers… the name alone makes me a little confused. It’s not Super…or Souper…. I’m not sure what Sooper is…. Anyway…. Chris and I went to buy dinner (Totino’s and Doritos with cheese) and while we were there we randomly started doing that whistle thing…where you whistle downhill and then make the explosion sound at the end. We got really elaborate with it and added the sound of people running away screaming after the explosion sound. We just happened to be walking past an elderly woman as we were amusing ourselves and she added a “mmraw” maybe to feel more included? Or maybe just to humor us. We consequently burst into giggles. So much so I couldn’t walk.

Sunday was something new. We got up at the crack of dawn and went to church where I sat very still and focused very well. I met a lot of people whose name’s I don’t remember, but I did count seven of them who grabbed my elbow as they said “So nice to meet you…” I do remember meeting Matt (her ex boyfriend) He gave the creepiest introduction ever. He like came up and shook my hand and was like “Hey Danni it’s nice to finally meet you…” One of my pet peeves is when people assume something. It seems cocky to me…. I’d never met him before, I didn’t have any clue who he was until Chris pointed him out to me, but he popped right up and knew who I was. It was creepy and uncomfortable. This is where I insert the best story of the whole trip:

Chris still had two of Matt’s rings and she was going to return them to him. She pointed him out to me at church and was like hey that’s him right there. I just want to say that Chris is really pretty. Matt reminds me of a short 40 year old. The only thing he was missing was a sweater vest, but Chris told me that he owns one….just saying. Now Chris is dating a great guy now and she proudly wears his class ring on the middle finger of her right hand. While Chris and I were discussing how she should give Matt his rings back, she and I joked about handing them to him with her right hand just to sort of flash the new ring. We both decided that would be low, and that she should do it some other way. There was some casual conversation before Chris reached into her pocket with her RIGHT HAND and pulled out his rings. She held out her hand in a fist with the shiny new ring gleaming in the church lobby lights and said “I have a present for you…”. Now I immediately realize that this is the hand….the no no hand. The new relationship hand. The hand we had just decided wouldn’t be the nicest way to give his rings back. Apparently Matt noticed too because he touched the ring. He was all like staring at it…he touched it and everything before Chris decided to tell him to open his hand. It was a long moment. I saw the whole thing in slow motion. Matt didn’t even put them in HIS pocket…he handed them to his friend. There was some more casual conversation about random stuff. I also want to point out, that he was holding a bright pink napkin full of grapes through this whole conversation. Now maybe I’m the only one who finds that amusing, but I thought it might be worth mentioning. Kass, maybe you understand why I find it funny. We have since called this “The Bitch Move” as you saw in the above Roadtrip Tally Board (BORED).

After all that we went to another church and listened to more church during which I sat in the back with Chris texting, laughing, and paying no attention whatsoever. We were there to see Chris’ beloved friend Miriam. Thing I learned at this church: the Pastor wasn’t sure what he was saying “…I’m not saying (insert something here) I’m just saying….(insert other something here)”. Now, while at this church, a very drunk Mexican man who called himself “Daniel” wandered in and requested very loudly several times to ‘see the music’. I thought it was incredibly funny. Guess where we went after that….? Back to church. This time we hung out in the lobby with Chris’s fathers’ body guards. They were cool. One of them…the one with spiky hair told us a story about when he was a cop some guy got hit in the face with the handle of an ax and his lip was like hanging off his face or something…. It was a cool story. We had leftovers for dinner and decided to have cake and ice cream one last time. We had been eating cake and ice cream since we got the ice cream Friday night, but we got like this all natural chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream because it was cheap so it tasted a little funny. So Sunday night, we decided the best thing to do with the ice cream would be to melt it a little and then pick out all of the cookie dough pieces, because they didn’t taste weird. We were super successful and picked out all of the pieces before putting the carton back into the freezer, where it is still sitting because we forgot to dispose of it. After thoroughly enjoying our ice cream we played card Monopoly. It was brutal. I won the last game and was very proud of myself. Now that I think about it, I was in bed before midnight every night in Colorado. I stayed in the guest room with this HUGE bed. It was amazing. I’ve been sleeping in a twin size bed for the past like four years….it was a refreshing change. What was not refreshing was that I’m not good at sleep walking in a new location. Sometimes in the dorm I get up to go to the bathroom but I’m still sort of sleeping so I don’t open my eyes. I have the path to the bathroom memorized. Six steps forward then two to the left then two to the right and two more forward out the door to the hall. In Chris’ guestroom the path to the bathroom is not the same. I got up Friday night to go to the bathroom forgot where I was, didn’t open my eyes….took six steps forward, two to the left and then two more forward and walked into the closet.

Tonight when I wake up to go to the bathroom I can follow the path in my brain safely. I thoroughly enjoyed Colorado… the horrendously long eight hour drive was worth it. I love my roomie.