I Have Returned

So here I am....
I've been gone for a while....
I've been living in the land that lacks internet.
I'm here and I have so much to say, and only 5 minutes, but I wanted to stop and say that dear Blog, I haven't forgotten you, I just haven't been able to write.
Soon though, soon.
I have so much to say.
So many hurts to let out in the open.
So many thoughts that need to be shared.
So many questions that need room to think.
So soon dear blog, soon.
Danielle

New Start

I suppose in hindsight, I should have known that no one gets that lucky on the first try. I should have seen him drifting away this summer, and I should have guessed that this is how it would go down.

Yes, I'm single again. Not my decision, but his. Why'd he do it? No one can seem to come to a consensus. One thing is for sure, though - he no longer saw our relationship as being worth the trouble. We really didn't fight any more or less than anyone else - well, a lot towards the end, but...I won't reveal to the entire blogger-verse why, but he knows and I know.

So, how do I feel? Betrayed - I found out that we have such different visions for our futures, and he never told me that - in fact, he lied about it. Confused - I thought I had everything figured out for once. Hurt - he told me he'd always love me, that I was "the one," that he'd never see another girl the way he saw me. Vindicated - all his friends were my friends, and he's not exactly their favorite person now. A lot of the good things he's had since moving to Cape Girardeau, he's had because of me. I have people loving me, checking on me, making sure everything is okay, wanting to see me - and he's suffering alone. And a little bad - not guilty, because he did it to himself, but just...bad. Because some part of me still wants to take away his pain. I want to snuggle with him and let him talk it out and make it easier for him to bear because someone is always by his side.

Could I do that as a friend? Maybe. But it would conflict with what I need right now. I could have comforted him, pretended something else had happened so as not to paint him in such a bad light. I could have helped him get almost back to what he had. But I had to choose - because as long as I was doing that, I'd never be able to get over him. And as much as I wish I was over him already, I'm not. I'm getting there. Every day gets a little easier. I think about him a little bit less, gain a little more distance, and get a little closer to normal.

I think that this happened this way for a reason. I think that moving into a new apartment, starting a new school year, and new singleness was God's way of wiping the slate clean for me. This year is my last of undergrad, and I have a lot of big decisions to make. I think this is just what I needed - even though it doesn't feel very good right now. This year, I think I'm finally going to find answers to the questions that have followed me all these years. Can I handle that? I don't know, But I have a feeling this is the year I'll find out.

Without the amazing friends, I'd still be paralyzed with sickness and tears. Thank you to Lori(and her mom), Randall, Andrew(and his dad), Stephanie, Rachel, Sam P, Chance, Sam M(and his mom), Kelci K, Kelsey B, Liz, Danni, Susan, Michelle, Hannah W, Mom, Hannah H, and Deanna.

I love you all.

~Kassius~

Friday Night and I'm Blogging?

So, I'm re-watching Grey's Anatomy with Keara, and thought I'd blog.

What's new? Let's see...

Last month, I finally met Danni's roommate. Chris is a sweetheart and she's SO much fun! It amuses me how physically similar we are. Danni had never mentioned it, but I wasn't the only one to notice. It was a little strange. But Chris is really pretty, so I certainly don't mind that anyone thinks that I look like her.

I move into my apartment on Wednesday the 18th. That's 5 days from now!!!! When I wake up in the morning, it will be 4 days!!!! I still feel a little surreal about it...like it's been so far off in the future for so long that it's hard to believe it's almost here.

Today, I got paid. A big, fat paycheck, that for the first time this summer isn't immediately obligated(I mean, yes, I have things to pay for, but it's the first time this summer that I haven't had to turn around on payday and dump the entire check onto something else). I owe my parents for a loan payment they made a couple of days ago, and then...I'm free!

Also, Rachel gets back into town on Sunday from her summer in Virginia, as does Adam from his two-week stint at home in Farmington. Of course, the next weekend, Keara and Gavin leave for Rolla :( But there will be a week of epicness before this!

I'm dieting, by way of calorie counting. I know the logical way to go about this is to eat healthy food at all meals, but I'm finding it so much easier to eat the same things I always eat and just eat less. I'm not cutting more calories than recommended, so I'm not starving myself or anything. I realize it's not the healthiest route to go, but...I am drinking lots of Propel! Which isn't quite as good for me as water, but it's definitely an improvement off my usual choice of Mountain Dew. I'm limiting myself to one per day, which doesn't sound very impressive, but, it is compared to the amount I used to drink. Hopefully as this goes on, I get down to less than that. It is only day two. I admit, it's not so much the commitment to health that is making me drink less soda, as the huge intrusion that it is onto my daily calorie limit. Once I go back to school, I can start running, and then I'm allowed more calories. Yay!

I went shopping today. Spent some money on myself - I haven't at all this summer. Every dime I've made and then some has gone toward my SEMO tuition bill, for summer classes and then for my first fall payment to buy time until they clear me for student loans. So, today I bought makeup and hair stuff. I would have gotten a haircut too, but I'm getting a free one in a few weeks from my cousin in cosmetology school, so I wanted to hold out until then. I get a free color then too. I felt like if I was going to go on a diet, I might be more committed to it if I didn't just have the general feeling that I looked like crap. That maybe better hair and a prettier face would motivate me to make my body become better. Will it work? We'll see.

Until next time,

~Kassius~