...I love the way you know who you know who you are and to me it's exciting...
Selena Gomez... She's what like 16? She knows... Knowing who you are and what you want is a big deal. Once again, I'm clueless. I still feel like life's a giant complicated marionette show. A show where what you think you're sewig isn't really what you think it is. So many hiden motives and shady agendas. I sound cynical and ridiculous but it's totally true. I think that life today is more about who can I convince to do what I want? The puppet being controlled by the puppeteer is controlling 4 other puppets... Are you a puppet controlling other puppets? Are you a puppeteer? Do you even know? Life is way too complicated.
I went out with some friends last night. I had a blast.... Which is great, but every single time I do something That should be a simple as "having a great night with friends" something males me wonder if I'm who I want to be... What if's follow me closer than my shadow and the maybe's never leave my mind....
I'm out of control.
Again.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Breathe in, breathe out...
Here's what I like: trust.
I never really knew what trust was until this past year. 2010 Did me right. I learned more about faith and trust and hope in one year than I had in any of my other years of existence. Why is life unfair? Why do some people know how to trust their whole lives? Why didn't I get that? Is it my fault? Am I predispose to be cynical? I think not. I believed whole heartedly that Peter Pan could rescue me... I trusted him until I was 8 and someone convinced me that he was just made up. I never could trust people though... I think it's my biggest downfall. I still have a hard time. I still ask people to promise and I tryto believe them but I always whisper to myself that they won't hold up their end so I don't feel disappointed. I suppose it's a little selfish of me. I wonder sometes if my lack of trust in others hurts more than just me, and I'm sure that it does I just have never had someone point it out to me. I sit and wonder all the time if my distrust is as loud on it face as it is in my head. I don't really blame anyone, and no one has anything to prove to me but I wish I could trust like I've seen people trust me.
I never really knew what trust was until this past year. 2010 Did me right. I learned more about faith and trust and hope in one year than I had in any of my other years of existence. Why is life unfair? Why do some people know how to trust their whole lives? Why didn't I get that? Is it my fault? Am I predispose to be cynical? I think not. I believed whole heartedly that Peter Pan could rescue me... I trusted him until I was 8 and someone convinced me that he was just made up. I never could trust people though... I think it's my biggest downfall. I still have a hard time. I still ask people to promise and I tryto believe them but I always whisper to myself that they won't hold up their end so I don't feel disappointed. I suppose it's a little selfish of me. I wonder sometes if my lack of trust in others hurts more than just me, and I'm sure that it does I just have never had someone point it out to me. I sit and wonder all the time if my distrust is as loud on it face as it is in my head. I don't really blame anyone, and no one has anything to prove to me but I wish I could trust like I've seen people trust me.
The Rants of Kassius, Part Four
As of late, my best friend/roommate Lori and I have reached a point in our relationship where we don't always have things to talk about. Not in the bad way, like our relationship is faltering, it's just that our lives are so boring and repetitive that the "How was your day?" conversation is becoming quite monotonous. Classes and work, same days and times every week...there's only so much to say. I'm doing well to come up with one interesting anecdote on any given day.
All that to say, as of the last few days, our conversations have become more...deep. Introspective. Feelings and issues and all that jazz. (Now "All That Jazz" will be stuck in my head all day. Awesome.) One of our conversations has stuck with me now for a couple of days, so maybe blogging will help me sort it out. On a late-night McDonald's run, we discussed the necessity of bad experiences in life to help one grow. That heartbreak that you have to have to really understand love, that test you have to fail so that you no longer take success for granted, etc. In the situations when it deals with a person, the fine line between being grateful for the person and being grateful to them. This referenced a certain situation in particular, and while I am thankful that it happened, because I learned things that I needed to know, I don't think I'll ever be able to feel positively toward the aforementioned person. While he gave me what I needed, he did so unintentionally. And here, we had the interesting part...what if it had been intentional? What if this person had hurt me on purpose because they knew it would benefit me in the long run? Do you have strength of character for being able to do that for your friend's greater good, or does it just make you a jerk?
In my eyes, one word can sum up that attitude.
Arrogant.
Life is complicated. Everyone's life is, to some degree. In addition to the monstrous things in your past that cause you to have issues, there are a million little things in your life that have made you the way that you are today. I see it this way: Where your life is concerned, you are the one person who's been present for all of it. You were there for every event that's made you who you are, even if you don't realize the impact of said events. Yet, more than likely, you still don't totally understand what you need. So how can someone else come in, who has been there for relatively little and understands what's going on in your head even less, and figure out what it is you need? I understand the validity of having an objective viewpoint, because it can be hard to see from inside your own mess - you're just too involved. But even if someone else were to understand everything that you have ever been through(and I doubt that very strongly), there's still one more thing to consider: the future, and not a single person can tell you what that holds for certain. You could hurt your friend in whatever way because you've convinced yourself that's what they need, and it will be better for them in the long run - and then they could die tomorrow, and all you did was make the last day of their life miserable. Yeah, you're awesome. We'll bake you a cake and celebrate.
Not that I'm saying you should be afraid to be tough on your friends. That's part of being a good friend. But to put them in situations intentionally to hurt them, because you, with your bits and pieces of knowledge about their life and your supposed understanding about their future, have deemed it necessary? Hurtful. Manipulative. And incredibly conceited.
I believe in God. I believe God has a plan. I believe that there are events that will happen in my life to make me grow, to cause me pain so that I am stronger. What I'm not buying is that He's shorthanded, or maybe just not creative enough to make it happen on His own, and needs your assistance.
Rude. Just plain rude.
~Kassius~
All that to say, as of the last few days, our conversations have become more...deep. Introspective. Feelings and issues and all that jazz. (Now "All That Jazz" will be stuck in my head all day. Awesome.) One of our conversations has stuck with me now for a couple of days, so maybe blogging will help me sort it out. On a late-night McDonald's run, we discussed the necessity of bad experiences in life to help one grow. That heartbreak that you have to have to really understand love, that test you have to fail so that you no longer take success for granted, etc. In the situations when it deals with a person, the fine line between being grateful for the person and being grateful to them. This referenced a certain situation in particular, and while I am thankful that it happened, because I learned things that I needed to know, I don't think I'll ever be able to feel positively toward the aforementioned person. While he gave me what I needed, he did so unintentionally. And here, we had the interesting part...what if it had been intentional? What if this person had hurt me on purpose because they knew it would benefit me in the long run? Do you have strength of character for being able to do that for your friend's greater good, or does it just make you a jerk?
In my eyes, one word can sum up that attitude.
Arrogant.
Life is complicated. Everyone's life is, to some degree. In addition to the monstrous things in your past that cause you to have issues, there are a million little things in your life that have made you the way that you are today. I see it this way: Where your life is concerned, you are the one person who's been present for all of it. You were there for every event that's made you who you are, even if you don't realize the impact of said events. Yet, more than likely, you still don't totally understand what you need. So how can someone else come in, who has been there for relatively little and understands what's going on in your head even less, and figure out what it is you need? I understand the validity of having an objective viewpoint, because it can be hard to see from inside your own mess - you're just too involved. But even if someone else were to understand everything that you have ever been through(and I doubt that very strongly), there's still one more thing to consider: the future, and not a single person can tell you what that holds for certain. You could hurt your friend in whatever way because you've convinced yourself that's what they need, and it will be better for them in the long run - and then they could die tomorrow, and all you did was make the last day of their life miserable. Yeah, you're awesome. We'll bake you a cake and celebrate.
Not that I'm saying you should be afraid to be tough on your friends. That's part of being a good friend. But to put them in situations intentionally to hurt them, because you, with your bits and pieces of knowledge about their life and your supposed understanding about their future, have deemed it necessary? Hurtful. Manipulative. And incredibly conceited.
I believe in God. I believe God has a plan. I believe that there are events that will happen in my life to make me grow, to cause me pain so that I am stronger. What I'm not buying is that He's shorthanded, or maybe just not creative enough to make it happen on His own, and needs your assistance.
Rude. Just plain rude.
~Kassius~
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Sent from my iPod
I finally learned how to blog from my iPod. Today's discovery is momentus!
As excited as that sounds I have something sort of sad to share... I'm a pansy.
I'm trying to fill out all my stuff for my financial aid for college. I got flagged for verification. Not a huge deal right? Right. Except for the fact that this means so have to re-live all the drama of 2009. Honestly, it's brought me to tears once already with at least 2 more trips to the dreaded office where they question brutally how it is that I could have made it to school. Why aren't you knocked up or in the gutter? How did you make it if it was that bad? Did that really happen to you?
I hate the endless list of questions... it almost makes me wish I hadn't tried to get my education because I feel like I'm being treated like I'm not worth their time or attention.
I won't even say it's whatever this time, I'll tell you that it really is bothering me.
As excited as that sounds I have something sort of sad to share... I'm a pansy.
I'm trying to fill out all my stuff for my financial aid for college. I got flagged for verification. Not a huge deal right? Right. Except for the fact that this means so have to re-live all the drama of 2009. Honestly, it's brought me to tears once already with at least 2 more trips to the dreaded office where they question brutally how it is that I could have made it to school. Why aren't you knocked up or in the gutter? How did you make it if it was that bad? Did that really happen to you?
I hate the endless list of questions... it almost makes me wish I hadn't tried to get my education because I feel like I'm being treated like I'm not worth their time or attention.
I won't even say it's whatever this time, I'll tell you that it really is bothering me.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
*uck Wheat.
Anyone offended by the current title of my post today should correct their mind and realize that there is such a thing as BUCK wheat. Just saying.
So here's my latest confession. I desperately want Subway to be my Valentine this year. They have all their classic footlongs for 5 bucks. AMAZING right? Right. Except that, I, having the worst luck with allergy minded things, have in fact developed an allergy to wheat. Do you know what this means? It means, no bread, no crackers, no cake, no brownies.... cookies? Out of the question. I'm allowed to eat....meat, or fruits and veggies. I'm not a huge fan, so I've lived on chips and salsa for a while.
On a side note.
It's only the beginning of February and I've already gotten kicked out of school, however with some begging and pleading and a rather large monetary donation, I was taken back.
I've decided that I think I'm a little depressed. I have no dtive to be social at all with anyone. Except at home, that I can do because I don't really have to try to look good or sound nice or anything, as long as I show up in a common room with a smile and something to contribute to the conversation no one really worries about me. That works out. My texts these days usually consist of yah, nope, later, :), lol, or ttyl. I'm not much more than that these days.
A week ago I knew what I wanted, but now, I'm thinking what I thought I wanted, isn't really what I wanted at all, I fucked up, and now there's no way out. I'm not dealing drugs or anything, but I almost wish I was, because that seems easier and at least I'd be making bank.
Idk, anyway I'm off to find some food that doesn't contain wheat. Wish me luck!
I'll be back again soon. Cross my heart and hope to die, drop a breadcrumb by my side....
So here's my latest confession. I desperately want Subway to be my Valentine this year. They have all their classic footlongs for 5 bucks. AMAZING right? Right. Except that, I, having the worst luck with allergy minded things, have in fact developed an allergy to wheat. Do you know what this means? It means, no bread, no crackers, no cake, no brownies.... cookies? Out of the question. I'm allowed to eat....meat, or fruits and veggies. I'm not a huge fan, so I've lived on chips and salsa for a while.
On a side note.
It's only the beginning of February and I've already gotten kicked out of school, however with some begging and pleading and a rather large monetary donation, I was taken back.
I've decided that I think I'm a little depressed. I have no dtive to be social at all with anyone. Except at home, that I can do because I don't really have to try to look good or sound nice or anything, as long as I show up in a common room with a smile and something to contribute to the conversation no one really worries about me. That works out. My texts these days usually consist of yah, nope, later, :), lol, or ttyl. I'm not much more than that these days.
A week ago I knew what I wanted, but now, I'm thinking what I thought I wanted, isn't really what I wanted at all, I fucked up, and now there's no way out. I'm not dealing drugs or anything, but I almost wish I was, because that seems easier and at least I'd be making bank.
Idk, anyway I'm off to find some food that doesn't contain wheat. Wish me luck!
I'll be back again soon. Cross my heart and hope to die, drop a breadcrumb by my side....
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