That's the man he was...have you heard enough?

"What a shame, what a shame
To judge a life that you can't change
The choir sings, the church bells ring
So won't you give this man his wings?
What a shame to have to beg you
To see we're not all the same
What a shame"

I am in love with this song right now...and it makes me think of an old friend. She went to school with Danni and I...and she's sort of a mess. She's been in a lot of trouble, and almost everyone judges her now. She's in rehab now, somewhere she can't contact anyone. To be honest, I've judged her before too, but it's harder now. Yes, she's made bad decisions. Yes, she's been manipulative to get her way more times than I can count. Yes, she has gone on for years and years, and despite offers of help from countless thoughtful souls and the concerted efforts of people that love her, she refuses to change. Yes, I am aware of all of that. I don't blame anyone else for her decisions. And no, I didn't make the same ones.

But I was never a kid in school with ADHD that was just written off as a "behavior problem" and a "mean spirit"...at five? Who's honestly mean-spirited at five? Kids aren't just born that way...they're taught. I'm not accusing anyone here...just saying that kids imitate. At least I had good role models. I never got in trouble for doing things that I was taught were normal. I was never thirteen, getting home from school and having no one to tell about my day. I never felt a compulsion to steal, because I never had a moment's doubt that I would be provided for. I wasn't free to do as I pleased from 4:00 p.m. until midnight because my parents just weren't home. I didn't have a gaggle of boys who chased me when I was skinny and made fun of me when I wasn't, and I didn't struggle with eating disorders as a result. I didn't have friends that accepted me when I was convenient and then dropped me the second something better came along. (Well, I did, I guess...we all did...but they weren't the important friends, to me. Unfortunately, they were hers.) I never felt the pressure to say yes to something because I had said it before, and certainly not at such an absurdly young age at which she had to deal with it. Nor did I have "friends" constantly trying to pull me back into a...hmm...wilder lifestyle no matter how many times I tried to escape.
And try she did. I saw that side of her. The part that really wanted to be good. That really wanted to make something of her life. I met her so many times...but she always got obscured by that other, darker part of herself. She's been fighting inner demons since before most of us knew what those even were.
So it's easy to stand there and judge her from our stable homes with our good parents and our financial comfort and our cute little circles of people that we've picked out and arranged just so, people that we can put in little boxes and that will never disturb the order of our lives. It's easy to say, "That would never have been me."
Really? You're sure of that? Spend a day in her shoes, and you're sure you'd come out smelling like a rose? I, for one, am not.
So, to that girl now: I know you can't read this, but know that I'll always be there if you need me. I remember that Fantastic Four is totally our movie, and that I ate an obnoxious amount of French fries at your house. Thanks for always coming to my birthday parties, even when you were the only one that did, and I rather enjoyed your last birthday shindig as well. You took me to my first college party, where I was offered "KoolAid"...um, no thanks? And for all you complained, you left when I said I wasn't comfortable there. Thanks. When you come back(if you come back)...call me.
Love,
Kassius

Oh O Oh

So here we are at day 3....A song that makes me happy.
May I just remind you that I didn't promise to do my 30 day challenge in 30 consecutive days...

So here it is...a song that makes me happy.
Today it's taken a lot more to make me happy however, Ke$ha never fails with Crazy Beautiful Life. I've been kind of an emotional wreck lately liike a roller coaster that's on a new track and I can't even guess the next turn or spin or flip so when I left work yesterday I sat in my car and cried...no more than 5 minutes later I was happily in the Dairy Queen drive thru singing with Ke$ha smiling ear to ear. The girl in the window was like wow you're in a great mood! If only she knew how nuts I am. Oh well.

Things are getting heavier,
Danielle

April 12th

Do you ever feel like you're just watching a movie about your life? I do, sometimes. It's strange, but I feel like I'm following a story in which Kassy is just another character. It's hard, sometimes, to feel connected with the decisions that I make, the things that I say and do. I feel like I'm not even real except in my mind. It's odd, I know, but it feels weird to think that other people have my name programmed into their phones, or that they see my Facebook page. It's strange to think that people see me in class and on walkways and in parking lots. My name is on a roster for Dr. Ritter's classes, and Dr. Bond's, and Dr. Olesen's. My name, phone number, and birthday are on an employee list for the bookstore. I saw my birthday written down on Cindy's calendar last time I went to the bookstore on an errand. People think of text messages to send me, find my name in their phone and send them. Sometimes they call. I don't know why this feels so strange. It's everyone, right? I'm pretty low-profile compared to a lot of other people I know. So why does it feel so strange to feel visible?
~Kassius~

Day 02 and Donuts....

There are two boxes of donuts on our kitchen counter...one chocolate, one plain. It's killing me. I can't eat them, but I definitely want one. I've been contemplating it for a few hours now... I will say however that I'm too lazy to get off the couch to get one. I'm feeling a little depressed. I feel like nature is taunting me. It's nice outside and sunny and warm and it looks so pleasant and carefree... I sit on the couch and feel a little bit like an eskimo. I just want to wrap up in my blankets and sleep for the next three years. I'm a little bit pathetic and I'm very aware of it.

So here's Day 02 as I promised: Your least favorite song.
I can't stand the song Cest La Vie by Bewitched....it was like super hott when I was like 12? Idk. It's followed me around for the past 8 years. It randomly pops in my head and drives me nuts!

Gotta let me in, hey hey hey
Let the fun begin, hey
I'm the wolf today, hey hey hey
I'll huff, I'll puff
I'll huff, I'll puff, I'll blow you away

Say you will, say you won't
Say you'll do what I don't (say you will)
Say you're true, say to me
C'est la vie

Say you will, say you won't
Say you'll do what I don't (say you will, hey)
Say you're true, say to me (get a life)
C'est la vie

Really? Is it necessary to say the same things so many times? Ugh.
That's all.

Everybody's Doing It....

So I'm gonna do it....
The 30 Day Song Challenge has finally caught my attention. So I'm gonna do it, and blog about it here, starting today because I discovered in highschool that my middle name isn't actually Michelle, it's Procrastination.


So I'll start here with Day 01....your favorite song.

My favorite song varies usually from day to day, but today we'll say "What The Hell" by Avril Lavigne.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQmEd_UeeIk

So here's the deal: this song is honestly a freeing song. It's like...lol not actually true for my life, it's a little bit backwards but the momentary feeling when you're driving in the car with the windows down singing with every ounce of your body is amazing. It's kind of crazy but it's true. This song? Is my current high.

On a side note? I miss my roommate...so much, that this song can't even bring me to sing today.

Bumbling?

I just got back from visiting my bestfriend... I had an amazing time but now that I'm home, alone in the kitchen, I just want to take everything back a step. I wanna be back in the little room at the end of the hall. I wanna be curled up on the old couch. I wanna watch the same movie 4 times in a row. I want to listen to the endless giggles. I want to have my other half in the same room. I had a great trip, and I'm so happy to be home, but as crazy as it sounds, I'm so happy both ways that I feel like my heart's ripped in half.
FML.

Naturally?

...I love the way you know who you know who you are and to me it's exciting...
Selena Gomez... She's what like 16? She knows... Knowing who you are and what you want is a big deal. Once again, I'm clueless. I still feel like life's a giant complicated marionette show. A show where what you think you're sewig isn't really what you think it is. So many hiden motives and shady agendas. I sound cynical and ridiculous but it's totally true. I think that life today is more about who can I convince to do what I want? The puppet being controlled by the puppeteer is controlling 4 other puppets... Are you a puppet controlling other puppets? Are you a puppeteer? Do you even know? Life is way too complicated.
I went out with some friends last night. I had a blast.... Which is great, but every single time I do something That should be a simple as "having a great night with friends" something males me wonder if I'm who I want to be... What if's follow me closer than my shadow and the maybe's never leave my mind....

I'm out of control.
Again.

Breathe in, breathe out...

Here's what I like: trust.
I never really knew what trust was until this past year. 2010 Did me right. I learned more about faith and trust and hope in one year than I had in any of my other years of existence. Why is life unfair? Why do some people know how to trust their whole lives? Why didn't I get that? Is it my fault? Am I predispose to be cynical? I think not. I believed whole heartedly that Peter Pan could rescue me... I trusted him until I was 8 and someone convinced me that he was just made up. I never could trust people though... I think it's my biggest downfall. I still have a hard time. I still ask people to promise and I tryto believe them but I always whisper to myself that they won't hold up their end so I don't feel disappointed. I suppose it's a little selfish of me. I wonder sometes if my lack of trust in others hurts more than just me, and I'm sure that it does I just have never had someone point it out to me. I sit and wonder all the time if my distrust is as loud on it face as it is in my head. I don't really blame anyone, and no one has anything to prove to me but I wish I could trust like I've seen people trust me.

The Rants of Kassius, Part Four

As of late, my best friend/roommate Lori and I have reached a point in our relationship where we don't always have things to talk about. Not in the bad way, like our relationship is faltering, it's just that our lives are so boring and repetitive that the "How was your day?" conversation is becoming quite monotonous. Classes and work, same days and times every week...there's only so much to say. I'm doing well to come up with one interesting anecdote on any given day.
All that to say, as of the last few days, our conversations have become more...deep. Introspective. Feelings and issues and all that jazz. (Now "All That Jazz" will be stuck in my head all day. Awesome.) One of our conversations has stuck with me now for a couple of days, so maybe blogging will help me sort it out. On a late-night McDonald's run, we discussed the necessity of bad experiences in life to help one grow. That heartbreak that you have to have to really understand love, that test you have to fail so that you no longer take success for granted, etc. In the situations when it deals with a person, the fine line between being grateful for the person and being grateful to them. This referenced a certain situation in particular, and while I am thankful that it happened, because I learned things that I needed to know, I don't think I'll ever be able to feel positively toward the aforementioned person. While he gave me what I needed, he did so unintentionally. And here, we had the interesting part...what if it had been intentional? What if this person had hurt me on purpose because they knew it would benefit me in the long run? Do you have strength of character for being able to do that for your friend's greater good, or does it just make you a jerk?
In my eyes, one word can sum up that attitude.
Arrogant.
Life is complicated. Everyone's life is, to some degree. In addition to the monstrous things in your past that cause you to have issues, there are a million little things in your life that have made you the way that you are today. I see it this way: Where your life is concerned, you are the one person who's been present for all of it. You were there for every event that's made you who you are, even if you don't realize the impact of said events. Yet, more than likely, you still don't totally understand what you need. So how can someone else come in, who has been there for relatively little and understands what's going on in your head even less, and figure out what it is you need? I understand the validity of having an objective viewpoint, because it can be hard to see from inside your own mess - you're just too involved. But even if someone else were to understand everything that you have ever been through(and I doubt that very strongly), there's still one more thing to consider: the future, and not a single person can tell you what that holds for certain. You could hurt your friend in whatever way because you've convinced yourself that's what they need, and it will be better for them in the long run - and then they could die tomorrow, and all you did was make the last day of their life miserable. Yeah, you're awesome. We'll bake you a cake and celebrate.
Not that I'm saying you should be afraid to be tough on your friends. That's part of being a good friend. But to put them in situations intentionally to hurt them, because you, with your bits and pieces of knowledge about their life and your supposed understanding about their future, have deemed it necessary? Hurtful. Manipulative. And incredibly conceited.
I believe in God. I believe God has a plan. I believe that there are events that will happen in my life to make me grow, to cause me pain so that I am stronger. What I'm not buying is that He's shorthanded, or maybe just not creative enough to make it happen on His own, and needs your assistance.
Rude. Just plain rude.
~Kassius~

Sent from my iPod

I finally learned how to blog from my iPod. Today's discovery is momentus!
As excited as that sounds I have something sort of sad to share... I'm a pansy.
I'm trying to fill out all my stuff for my financial aid for college. I got flagged for verification. Not a huge deal right? Right. Except for the fact that this means so have to re-live all the drama of 2009. Honestly, it's brought me to tears once already with at least 2 more trips to the dreaded office where they question brutally how it is that I could have made it to school. Why aren't you knocked up or in the gutter? How did you make it if it was that bad? Did that really happen to you?
I hate the endless list of questions... it almost makes me wish I hadn't tried to get my education because I feel like I'm being treated like I'm not worth their time or attention.
I won't even say it's whatever this time, I'll tell you that it really is bothering me.

*uck Wheat.

Anyone offended by the current title of my post today should correct their mind and realize that there is such a thing as BUCK wheat. Just saying.
So here's my latest confession. I desperately want Subway to be my Valentine this year. They have all their classic footlongs for 5 bucks. AMAZING right? Right. Except that, I, having the worst luck with allergy minded things, have in fact developed an allergy to wheat. Do you know what this means? It means, no bread, no crackers, no cake, no brownies.... cookies? Out of the question. I'm allowed to eat....meat, or fruits and veggies. I'm not a huge fan, so I've lived on chips and salsa for a while.

On a side note.
It's only the beginning of February and I've already gotten kicked out of school, however with some begging and pleading and a rather large monetary donation, I was taken back.

I've decided that I think I'm a little depressed. I have no dtive to be social at all with anyone. Except at home, that I can do because I don't really have to try to look good or sound nice or anything, as long as I show up in a common room with a smile and something to contribute to the conversation no one really worries about me. That works out. My texts these days usually consist of yah, nope, later, :), lol, or ttyl. I'm not much more than that these days.
A week ago I knew what I wanted, but now, I'm thinking what I thought I wanted, isn't really what I wanted at all, I fucked up, and now there's no way out. I'm not dealing drugs or anything, but I almost wish I was, because that seems easier and at least I'd be making bank.

Idk, anyway I'm off to find some food that doesn't contain wheat. Wish me luck!
I'll be back again soon. Cross my heart and hope to die, drop a breadcrumb by my side....

untitled

It's life. And sometimes, it hurts. Sometimes bad things happen, and those make it hurt. But sometimes, it just hurts to exist. Sometimes it's hard to do the dishes, or eat lunch, or go to sleep. It just is. There's no energy for having other people around, but it hurts to be alone. Sleep needs to happen, because waking up in the morning is all but impossible - but sleep won't come. You can't complain, because you know someone close to you has had it so much worse. If they don't get to complain, why should you? So you just suffer in silence. Cry softly, darling, you're not home alone and the walls are paper-thin. Don't get tears on your computer, you can't afford to replace it again. Don't forget to put the dishes away before you go to sleep. There's about five hours of homework waiting in your backpack for tonight, and an eight-hour work shift in the morning. Oh, it's 10:30 already? Guess you're not getting much sleep tonight. You want to call your mom? Nope, she'll hear the tears in your voice. Why worry her? Selfish, that's what you are, getting people all worked up over nothing. Your room's a mess too. Better get on that. Hurry up, you do need SOME sleep. Otherwise your body won't metabolize what you ate today and you'll gain weight. Again. Quit this stupid blogging, no one feels sorry for you. You made your bed, darling. Go do homework. It's week 2 - if you break down now, it's hopeless. If you fall now, you fall for good. Be strong...like you have a choice.