At some point, life was simple. I knew who I was and what I wanted. Now...I'm not so sure. I don't know who I am or what I want any more. People say I'm not the same as I was "before." Well, I don't really know when before was, or how I was different then. But if I had to guess, I'd say "before" dates back about to Christmas of my sophomore year. That's when everything started to fall to pieces.
Maybe it's God that I miss. Maybe not the church scene to the extent that I was involved with it in high school, but just...reading the Bible and finding something helpful. Just staying out of things that aren't great for you. That sort of thing. Maybe that was what made life happier for me.
Maybe I was just destined to grow up.
Maybe I need to make breaks, painful though they may be, from everything here, so that when the time comes for me to move on from this place, nothing is holding me here.
Maybe I'm thinking too much.
Maybe I was actually a little worse off before, too idealistic.
Maybe I just want to be happy again.
Maybe I need some sleep.
I don't feel like I know the girl in the mirror anymore. But underneath her is someone I used to be, someone who was happy. And while I don't think every change in my life over the last two years has been for the worse, I do think that maybe my 18-year-old self had some things figured out that my 20-year-old self needs a little help remembering.
So tomorrow, I'm going to read the Bible for a little while. I might go exercise. And then the rest of the day is homework time. I'm going to watch Mulan, I think, and at least one other movie that I've liked for several years. I'm going to call Hannah and talk, and Bradley if I can. As Nelson Mandela put it in one of my favorite all-time quotes, "There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."
Love from old me, new me, and the person in between,
Kassius
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