New Start

I suppose in hindsight, I should have known that no one gets that lucky on the first try. I should have seen him drifting away this summer, and I should have guessed that this is how it would go down.

Yes, I'm single again. Not my decision, but his. Why'd he do it? No one can seem to come to a consensus. One thing is for sure, though - he no longer saw our relationship as being worth the trouble. We really didn't fight any more or less than anyone else - well, a lot towards the end, but...I won't reveal to the entire blogger-verse why, but he knows and I know.

So, how do I feel? Betrayed - I found out that we have such different visions for our futures, and he never told me that - in fact, he lied about it. Confused - I thought I had everything figured out for once. Hurt - he told me he'd always love me, that I was "the one," that he'd never see another girl the way he saw me. Vindicated - all his friends were my friends, and he's not exactly their favorite person now. A lot of the good things he's had since moving to Cape Girardeau, he's had because of me. I have people loving me, checking on me, making sure everything is okay, wanting to see me - and he's suffering alone. And a little bad - not guilty, because he did it to himself, but just...bad. Because some part of me still wants to take away his pain. I want to snuggle with him and let him talk it out and make it easier for him to bear because someone is always by his side.

Could I do that as a friend? Maybe. But it would conflict with what I need right now. I could have comforted him, pretended something else had happened so as not to paint him in such a bad light. I could have helped him get almost back to what he had. But I had to choose - because as long as I was doing that, I'd never be able to get over him. And as much as I wish I was over him already, I'm not. I'm getting there. Every day gets a little easier. I think about him a little bit less, gain a little more distance, and get a little closer to normal.

I think that this happened this way for a reason. I think that moving into a new apartment, starting a new school year, and new singleness was God's way of wiping the slate clean for me. This year is my last of undergrad, and I have a lot of big decisions to make. I think this is just what I needed - even though it doesn't feel very good right now. This year, I think I'm finally going to find answers to the questions that have followed me all these years. Can I handle that? I don't know, But I have a feeling this is the year I'll find out.

Without the amazing friends, I'd still be paralyzed with sickness and tears. Thank you to Lori(and her mom), Randall, Andrew(and his dad), Stephanie, Rachel, Sam P, Chance, Sam M(and his mom), Kelci K, Kelsey B, Liz, Danni, Susan, Michelle, Hannah W, Mom, Hannah H, and Deanna.

I love you all.

~Kassius~