I Have Returned

So here I am....
I've been gone for a while....
I've been living in the land that lacks internet.
I'm here and I have so much to say, and only 5 minutes, but I wanted to stop and say that dear Blog, I haven't forgotten you, I just haven't been able to write.
Soon though, soon.
I have so much to say.
So many hurts to let out in the open.
So many thoughts that need to be shared.
So many questions that need room to think.
So soon dear blog, soon.
Danielle

New Start

I suppose in hindsight, I should have known that no one gets that lucky on the first try. I should have seen him drifting away this summer, and I should have guessed that this is how it would go down.

Yes, I'm single again. Not my decision, but his. Why'd he do it? No one can seem to come to a consensus. One thing is for sure, though - he no longer saw our relationship as being worth the trouble. We really didn't fight any more or less than anyone else - well, a lot towards the end, but...I won't reveal to the entire blogger-verse why, but he knows and I know.

So, how do I feel? Betrayed - I found out that we have such different visions for our futures, and he never told me that - in fact, he lied about it. Confused - I thought I had everything figured out for once. Hurt - he told me he'd always love me, that I was "the one," that he'd never see another girl the way he saw me. Vindicated - all his friends were my friends, and he's not exactly their favorite person now. A lot of the good things he's had since moving to Cape Girardeau, he's had because of me. I have people loving me, checking on me, making sure everything is okay, wanting to see me - and he's suffering alone. And a little bad - not guilty, because he did it to himself, but just...bad. Because some part of me still wants to take away his pain. I want to snuggle with him and let him talk it out and make it easier for him to bear because someone is always by his side.

Could I do that as a friend? Maybe. But it would conflict with what I need right now. I could have comforted him, pretended something else had happened so as not to paint him in such a bad light. I could have helped him get almost back to what he had. But I had to choose - because as long as I was doing that, I'd never be able to get over him. And as much as I wish I was over him already, I'm not. I'm getting there. Every day gets a little easier. I think about him a little bit less, gain a little more distance, and get a little closer to normal.

I think that this happened this way for a reason. I think that moving into a new apartment, starting a new school year, and new singleness was God's way of wiping the slate clean for me. This year is my last of undergrad, and I have a lot of big decisions to make. I think this is just what I needed - even though it doesn't feel very good right now. This year, I think I'm finally going to find answers to the questions that have followed me all these years. Can I handle that? I don't know, But I have a feeling this is the year I'll find out.

Without the amazing friends, I'd still be paralyzed with sickness and tears. Thank you to Lori(and her mom), Randall, Andrew(and his dad), Stephanie, Rachel, Sam P, Chance, Sam M(and his mom), Kelci K, Kelsey B, Liz, Danni, Susan, Michelle, Hannah W, Mom, Hannah H, and Deanna.

I love you all.

~Kassius~

Friday Night and I'm Blogging?

So, I'm re-watching Grey's Anatomy with Keara, and thought I'd blog.

What's new? Let's see...

Last month, I finally met Danni's roommate. Chris is a sweetheart and she's SO much fun! It amuses me how physically similar we are. Danni had never mentioned it, but I wasn't the only one to notice. It was a little strange. But Chris is really pretty, so I certainly don't mind that anyone thinks that I look like her.

I move into my apartment on Wednesday the 18th. That's 5 days from now!!!! When I wake up in the morning, it will be 4 days!!!! I still feel a little surreal about it...like it's been so far off in the future for so long that it's hard to believe it's almost here.

Today, I got paid. A big, fat paycheck, that for the first time this summer isn't immediately obligated(I mean, yes, I have things to pay for, but it's the first time this summer that I haven't had to turn around on payday and dump the entire check onto something else). I owe my parents for a loan payment they made a couple of days ago, and then...I'm free!

Also, Rachel gets back into town on Sunday from her summer in Virginia, as does Adam from his two-week stint at home in Farmington. Of course, the next weekend, Keara and Gavin leave for Rolla :( But there will be a week of epicness before this!

I'm dieting, by way of calorie counting. I know the logical way to go about this is to eat healthy food at all meals, but I'm finding it so much easier to eat the same things I always eat and just eat less. I'm not cutting more calories than recommended, so I'm not starving myself or anything. I realize it's not the healthiest route to go, but...I am drinking lots of Propel! Which isn't quite as good for me as water, but it's definitely an improvement off my usual choice of Mountain Dew. I'm limiting myself to one per day, which doesn't sound very impressive, but, it is compared to the amount I used to drink. Hopefully as this goes on, I get down to less than that. It is only day two. I admit, it's not so much the commitment to health that is making me drink less soda, as the huge intrusion that it is onto my daily calorie limit. Once I go back to school, I can start running, and then I'm allowed more calories. Yay!

I went shopping today. Spent some money on myself - I haven't at all this summer. Every dime I've made and then some has gone toward my SEMO tuition bill, for summer classes and then for my first fall payment to buy time until they clear me for student loans. So, today I bought makeup and hair stuff. I would have gotten a haircut too, but I'm getting a free one in a few weeks from my cousin in cosmetology school, so I wanted to hold out until then. I get a free color then too. I felt like if I was going to go on a diet, I might be more committed to it if I didn't just have the general feeling that I looked like crap. That maybe better hair and a prettier face would motivate me to make my body become better. Will it work? We'll see.

Until next time,

~Kassius~

I Wanna Dance With Somebody....

Oh I wanna dance with somebody
I wanna feel the heat with somobody
I wanna dance with somebody
With somebody who loves me....

Dear Whitney Houston,
How'd you read my mind?

Don'tcha wanna dance
Say you wanna dance.....

:) I love to dance.
I love any kind of dance.... well, maybe not polka or anything weird like that, but I love dancing in the club. :) With my friends...with the guys I don't know.... anyone.
Ballet helps me remember....remember times when I was in control.
Dancing in the club helps me forget....forget all the things I wish had never happened.

So for now.... I wanna dance with somebody.... somebody who loves me....

Diez Cosas

So, lately I've been seeing the resurgence of the 25-things-about-yourself lists on Facebook. So, I'm going to do one too - with a twist. Here, for your reading pleasure, are 10 things about me that you could probably judge if you so chose. Why? Because I realized that one of the things I really liked about my "old" self - the person I was in high school - was that I often was the person other people were judging. I did what I did because it made me happy. Yeah, I may have been at Wal-Mart in my pajamas, and it might have made people feel better to make fun of me for it, but I'll let you in on a little secret - I usually didn't even notice it was happening. It ceased to be a blip on my radar screen. So, without further ado...

1) When I had them, I loved my camo pants. They ripped and I haven't been able to buy new ones yet, and it makes me sad.

2) I love the St. Louis Cardinals. And not in the oh-yay-go-team sort of way in which everyone loves the Cardinals. I mean, I can throw down player names and stats and standings. My grandpa and I used to watch the games together when I was in junior high and high school. It was part of how we bonded.

3) I play World of Warcraft, as well as Dungeons & Dragons. It's crazy fun.

4) I watch the Disney Channel shows. Some of them. I hate Phineas and Ferb. But Wizards of Waverly Place is cool, and the Zack and Cody shows, and the occasional Hannah Montana.

5) I can't seem to cry at appropriate times, but I'll bawl when it's not.

6) Addendum to that: I am incapable of crying at movies, but I'll bawl at a song if it applies to my situation. Lone Star's I'm Already There, Rascal Flatts' My Wish, and Drake's Find Your Love have all done it.

7) I always prefer to walk at the back of a group of people. Some would probably say that's a psychological wish to not be seen. Really, it's just because I'm always paranoid that someone's going to sneak up and yell, "Boo!"

8) I have kind of a Rain-Man thing with numbers. It's not a big secret, but I see numbers almost to the exclusion of objects(i.e. if I'm looking for your car, I won't remember that it's the one with the spoiler or the tinted windows or the smiley face on the antenna, but I will remember your license plate).

9) I can only eat one food at a time. I have to finish the corn before I start the mashed potatoes. Otherwise, the tastes will mix.

10) I wasn't romantically interested in anyone - ever - until about the age of sixteen. What that says about my emotional development, I don't know.

So...yeah. That's that. Love to you all.

~Kassius~

It's Sure Some Summer.....

So.... I've learned a lot this summer and since I'm a nice person, I thought I should share some of my new-found knowledge with you.

First of all there aren't a lot of places to eat here in Southeast Missouri, but Abigail told me that "QuizmO's and Paneria" are both really great places. I find this particularly enlightening because I've always pronounced them as Quizno's and Panera, but what do I know?

I've learned a lot about pandas this summer. Lydia has let's see....one, two, three, four... like a hundred stuffed pandas. I'm not kidding she has more pandas than I have...trains of thought. We've been to the Memphis Zoo this summer, because they're apparantly the only zoo around that has REAL life pandas.

Tabitha has educated me on everything Barbie. I've seen two Barbie movies since I arrived here. That's two more than I've seen in my whole life. I've learned the difference between Barbie and Kelly and Skipper, and regardless of what they look like all boy "barbies" are named Ken.

Oh....the many wasted hours playing Lego Rock Band. Matthew and I are bomb at it. Lemme just tell you. Also, he's such a little rockstar. That song "So What?!" by P!nk, he knows all the words now... He sings, I play the drums. We win everytime.

We took a roadtrip to Chicago. That was a long drive....

I used to think I just wasn't good at roadtrips. Now I know that I'm just horrible at them.

Six hours was way too long. "Are we there yet??!" Not a funny joke to me anymore.

I'm loving my summer, but I miss my roommate.

I wake up every morning and drag through my day missing my liddle Jellybean.

No matter how lovely my day is, no matter how many giggles... None of it can ever measure up to how wonderful it would be for my roommate to be here. With me.

Love, sun and giggles

Danielle

Mountain of Boxes!

College, as a part of growing up, is kind of a big deal. For most people, it's the first time you've ever lived away from home. It's when you get to take the classes you want, but there's a tradeoff - you have to decide what you want to be and where you want your life to go. It's when you find out just how responsible you are, how determined, how independent. It's either a chance to set a foundation for a really great life, or a chance to make a lot of big mistakes.

For most of us(including me), it's been both. I've changed a lot over the last three years. I've done things I never thought I could on my own, made new friends(some of whom are nothing like me), and had loads of new experiences, and I'm a better person for all of those things. I've learned which are the friendships that really can last a lifetime.

I've also made a lot of big, stupid mistakes. I've said and done things I never thought I would(and not in a good way). Academically, I'm far from where I could have been. Emotionally, I've let things get way too crazy. I had to lose the naive I-can-be-friends-with-everyone attitude I had when I left high school. Granted, better for it to go now than after a bad business deal or a broken marriage. But it was not a pleasant set of experiences.

Now, starting my last year, I see a lot of people around me second-guessing. Everything from degrees to engagements to locations - nothing is safe. Doubling back to the place where they made that choice, and wondering if the other path wouldn't have been...better. A little more scenic, maybe a little less uphill. And I'm not doing it. Me. The queen of second-guessing, worrying, and indecision. Sure, sometimes I freak out and wonder if I'm not going to be good enough for grad school. But overall, I wake up happy to be on the path that I'm on in life. And that worries me in and of itself.

Until next time,
~Kassius~