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It's life. And sometimes, it hurts. Sometimes bad things happen, and those make it hurt. But sometimes, it just hurts to exist. Sometimes it's hard to do the dishes, or eat lunch, or go to sleep. It just is. There's no energy for having other people around, but it hurts to be alone. Sleep needs to happen, because waking up in the morning is all but impossible - but sleep won't come. You can't complain, because you know someone close to you has had it so much worse. If they don't get to complain, why should you? So you just suffer in silence. Cry softly, darling, you're not home alone and the walls are paper-thin. Don't get tears on your computer, you can't afford to replace it again. Don't forget to put the dishes away before you go to sleep. There's about five hours of homework waiting in your backpack for tonight, and an eight-hour work shift in the morning. Oh, it's 10:30 already? Guess you're not getting much sleep tonight. You want to call your mom? Nope, she'll hear the tears in your voice. Why worry her? Selfish, that's what you are, getting people all worked up over nothing. Your room's a mess too. Better get on that. Hurry up, you do need SOME sleep. Otherwise your body won't metabolize what you ate today and you'll gain weight. Again. Quit this stupid blogging, no one feels sorry for you. You made your bed, darling. Go do homework. It's week 2 - if you break down now, it's hopeless. If you fall now, you fall for good. Be strong...like you have a choice.

The Rants of Kassius, Part 3

Is it too much to ask to be accepted for who one is?

No, I really want to know.

Why do family and friends always want you to be...more? Better? Why do they insist that you fix one more thing, one more character trait that they find less-than-perfect? Why do they always need one more favor?

And why can't I shut it off? Why do I have the desire to be everyone's perfect friend? Why can't I just look people in the face and tell them what they can do with their "suggestions"?

I'm angry. That's all.

~Kassius~

Even Rhodes isn't open, where does one buy a soda on Christmas?

Is it weird of me to blog on Christmas? Yes? Well, I'm doing it anyway.

I'm home(legitimate, with-my-parents home) until New Year's Eve. It's a little cool in my room, but I don't mind. I'm glad I chose a darker color for the walls...of "my" bedroom in the house that my parents built after I moved out. Thanks, guys.

I think this room is sort of symbolic of my parents' hope that I'll end up back here. That I'll visit home more often, that I'll realize I moved out too soon and put down semitemporary roots here while I go to graduate school in St. Louis and then stay here until I find a job in Cape Girardeau. Then I'll marry a guy from Cape or the surrounding area, buy a house within the same, and do my "research stuff" until I have a kid a few years later.

They've never told me that this is what they want for my life, so I can't respond to tell them that the odds of all of that are about as high as Ralph Nader's of winning the next presidential election. Don't get me wrong, I'm a hardcore third-party supporter. I won't get into why I hate the bipartisan system we insist on perpetuating upon ourselves, since it's a long and soapbox-like speech, and instead I'll just say that I'm proud of Nader for trying. But I can read the election results too.

I love following presidential elections. Every four years, I'll stay up as long as it takes until a winner is declared(which was pretty killer during the Bush-Gore debacle - I did give up on that one). If I hadn't gone into chemistry, I think I would have chosen history as a major. I did consider it as a freshman in high school, before I officially set my sights on something within medicine. But besides not really knowing what I would do with a history degree(not that there aren't options - just that none of them sounded appealing to me), I started to find out a little more than I wanted to know. I was fine with what I had heard about all the figureheads in history, and didn't really want to hear that they were all actually jerks. If someone was such a jerk, how could they still be remembered for all these great accomplishments and humanitarian acts? Obviously, part of it was that someone rewrote the stories and wanted events to be remembered in a different light than the one in which they actually happened, but that wasn't what bothered me. It was that I was confronted with the gray area - phenomenal good and terrible bad within the same person.

I don't like the gray area much. I am my father's daughter 100% in that respect. I want people to be good or bad, right or wrong. Danielle was always better with the gray - the misinterpreted motives, the external factors in a situation that needed to be considered, the exceptions to the rule. We came to a head over it often in high school - Danielle, from the "rules are situational and sometimes you have to bend them" side, and me, from the "why even have a rule if you're just going to change it anyway" side.

The difficult part is that neither of us was all right or all wrong. She was right because there are weird situations, and there are exceptions. There are times in which breaking the rules has a better outcome than following them, and being a stickler hurts rather than helping. But I was right too, because someone still has to take responsibility, and if not the person who messed up, then who?

It comes to a head in so many situations in life. Every day, one kid goes into the yard and calls the neighbor kid names. Day after day, this kid calls this other kid names. When the neighbor kid goes to his parents, they are unsympathetic. So finally one day, the second kid walks over and beats up the first kid.

Who's wrong? The first kid, for speaking in such an awful manner, and antagonizing for days on end? The second kid, for escalating the situation to physical violence? One set of parents for not disciplining their child, or the other set for not defending theirs?

A compelling case could be made for all four. And in my opinion, each carries some blame. But if the situation happens at school, who is punished? Especially since schools have no way to punish parents. Which child do you choose? Or both?

And that's a simple elementary-school situation, where it's not unlikely that the children will be best friends in a month's time. This is why I hate the gray area - when it comes right down to it, it's a matter of opinion. And the opinion of whoever's in charge is the one that gets implemented. If there's a rulebook of some sort, this doesn't happen. We all have to agree to the same thing and play by the same code, and opinion is less of a factor in the situation. And yes, I realize that the rulebooks are written on opinion as well. But at least you know what you're getting from the beginning. Also, it's a power check on the people in charge, a concrete, this-is-what-we-agreed-to statement that can't be denied.

Ahem. Anyway. Rewind through my musings on morals and politics, and I think I was talking about going away. My closest potential graduate school is in Indiana, followed by schools in Virginia and Washington. It'll be a little while before I'm worried about that though. This week, I'll be doing nothing.

Cheers,

~Kassius~

Guess who's back....back again....

So here's the deal:
I survived Thanksgiving, but Christmas is next...
I know I sound like a grinch, but I can I say here in the safety of my blog, that I don't like....accepting Christmas. I love to give Christmas. I wish I could sit invisible on the couch at Christmas....watch everyone's faces light up without having to take a turn. I just...I feel the most out of place at holidays. When I was growing up. Holidays weren't...shared? With friends or like extended family....just my siblings and I. It's hard for me know to like change mindsets to accept that not everyone's like that. It's just difficult. I love the lights...I love giving presents...wrapping them...I love the magic of the Christmas tree...but I just feel like none of it should be for me. That's all.
Wish me luck. T-Minus 20 days.

I hate Apple.

Right now, I am:

1) Taking a break from the epic project of cleaning my room.

2) Excited for the end of no-soda-November.

3) Getting tickets for Harry Potter on Friday.

4) Jealous of a girl.

5) Disgruntled by my jealousy, because that indicates feelings for a guy.

6) Snuggling with the monkey I got from Old Navy.

7) Irritated that my iPod won't charge.

8) About to start watching The Santa Clause.

9) Hating the maze of Internet forums to fix an iPod.

10) Possibly going to sleep soon.

Love to you all!

~Kassius~

"Cuz baby girl's a queen...but the queen's just a pawn with a bunch of fancy moves..."

You know which songs you really like when you put a lot of new music onto your player, because they're the same few songs you always gravitate toward. The title lyric is one of mine - "The Queen and I" by Gym Class Heroes. The other two are "Stripper" by the Soho Dolls(it's kind of a dirty song, but, I like it) and "Monsta" by Culcha Candela(this song is mostly in German, but I love the beat, and I've heard the English version. It's not quite as poetic(lyrical? musical? hopefully you know what I mean) as the German version, but I like it still.)

I've officially made a decision...I give up on trying to find someone to date, at least for the time being. It'll happen when it happens...someday. I'll have that fairy-tale moment where I meet him and everything's all butterflies and whatever. In the meantime...wherever I am, things aren't so bad here. Really, they're not. My friends are here, and God's here, and there's ice cream.

Lori and I are giving up one unhealthy thing every month. October was fast-food month, which worked out really well, except that we cheated six or seven times...oops. We're doing that one again in February. November is soda month. This is gonna kill me, but here goes...

Physical chemistry test Tuesday :O This oughta be good...

Will write more soon.

Love,

~Kassius~

Lessons Learned

"There is nothing like going back to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered." - Nelson Mandela

I used this in my last post, but it's so undeniably true. When everything else is the same, and your thoughts aren't, you know how you're different from the last time you were there. It's an eye-opening experience.

"When faced with two choices, simply toss a coin. It's not because it settles the question for you, but because in that brief moment while the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for..."

Even when I thought I wasn't sure of what I wanted, I can't think of a time that I've flipped a coin and honestly not been hoping for either heads or tails. It's how you reveal to yourself what you really want. There can be shame in admitting your heart's real desire, but there's none in thinking, "Please, please be heads!" until you realize too late that they are one and the same.

"Even when all hell breaks loose, keep your chin up and keep going. And if you can't, we'll all get behind you and push. But don't ever give up."

You might think this quote would be negated by the fact that the speaker is no longer a part of my life. Some days, it's the greatest idea in the world to me to give up, curl up in a ball and let my life crash and burn. But the sentiment - to keep pushing when everything does, in fact, seem like hell - is one that keeps me going when I can't think of any other reason to push on.

"There's something so...perfect...about being one step ahead of the world. But then steps turn to crawls, and crawls turn to dragging yourself through the mud, and all you've done is set yourself free to suffer alone."

At first, I only hid pain because I didn't want to trouble anyone else. Noble if misguided motives, right? But then I discovered the thrilling game that it is, to push yourself to suffer in silence. Fortunately for me, I have close friends that have already been down that road, who have shown me what a mistake it is.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." - Judy Garland

No matter how hard I try, I'll never be Danielle as well as Danielle is. She is her own. No matter how hard I try to find an outfit that looks like hers, it will never look as good on me as it does on her. It's her style, and though I may admire it, I'll never be able to copy it exactly. What I can do is be Kassy, better than anyone else can. It makes me feel a little bit better to be the best at something.

Those are my lessons. Take them or leave them.
Love,
Kassius