Just passing through

So I kinda just wanted to say hey. We're having a party tonight and I need to figure out an outfit and get ready, I need to catch a nap beforehand, and Sam keeps yelling that I need to vacuum my room. Which is true...Sam's iPod has that 3OH!3 song going about "L-O-V-E's just another word I never learned to pronounce" so I'm getting kinda pumped.

Anyway, I always have a lot to say after our parties...so...I'll be back!

Love and 3Oh!3,

Kassius

Bob

At some point in most girls' lives, they will make a mistake. Obviously, they will make lots of mistakes, but there will usually be a mistake named after another person. Like, "what do you consider your biggest mistake?" "Bob." Bob, of course, is not a mistake, he's a person. It's being around Bob, doing things with Bob, when for some reason you know you shouldn't. Maybe he's otherwise committed, or maybe you are. Maybe Bob's not a very nice guy. Maybe your friend has a thing for Bob, or maybe you just know that Bob isn't right for you.

The problem here, of course, is that you're with Bob anyway. And you probably have a reason that's halfway justifiable but wouldn't exactly hold up in a court of law. I write this, of course, because I have a Bob. Let's call him...Alex. I don't have feelings for Alex, nor does he for me. We're friends...that happen to cuddle and sleep next to each other now and again. Nothing else happens...and it's just that he's warm and I don't like to sleep alone...And he tells me how beautiful I am and how much he enjoys being with me...And here, we have my halfway justifiable reason that doesn't stand up to any sort of attack. Bottom line? Alex is a bad decision. Maybe not now. No one is emotionally involved right now. But everything I've heard leads me to believe that it eventually heads down that road. Directly or indirectly, it messes with your chances at a relationship. Is that true? I don't know. What do I know?...That Alex is warm.

With love and bad decisions,

Kassius

2 Decades and a Top 10 List

Sometimes the only thing I can think of to say is an awful thing to say.
It's Friday night and I have no life. I'm hiding out in the living room in my PJ's watching a movie I've already watched 3 times this week... Yes, I'm watching it a fourth, not because it's so wonderful, simply becuase as I stated previously...I have no life. I'm 19 almost 20... it scares me really. I'm starting to feel like 30 isn't so old. I used to think that 25 was the end of life as you know it. Now that I'm 2 days from 20 I'm starting to feel like maybe life doesn't take as long as I thought it did. I know it sounds like something your 80 year old grandfather should tell you, but here in my life, I feel it for myself, and it's a feeling I'm growing to hate.

As I promised in the title, I do have a Top 10 List...
So here it is....

THE TOP 10 REASONS I DON'T LOVE LIFE RIGHT NOW

1. I'm bored. Sounds like not a big deal....right? It seems like the solution would simply be to go and find something to do right? WRONG. It's not that simple. I can watch tv, read a book, and text a few people and still be bored. My brain needs a challenge, a stronger way to be entertained, and I'm not getting it here.

2. There aren't enough people... If I mention that I live in a house with 7 other people who are all capable of intellegent conversation you'd probably think me and absolute idiot, but it's still true. I need a good...20 people in my life steadly to feed the little social butterfly in my insides.

3. Organized family life is not my forte... I'm not good at it, and it makes it hard for me to pretend everyday that I honestly feel like I fit here.

4. I don't really fit in with the people out here in the sticks.... Kansas wasn't much better but any college has a better variety than the small towns here...

5. I'm struggling to like myself...let alone love myself. It makes the ordinary everyday activities even harder than they should be.

6. Everyone I work with is skinny. Enough said.

7. The weather is starting to get cold. I HATE being cold with a passion.

8. There's a piece of my heart that's far far away.

9. I've been sentenced to the house for the past.... 2 months.

10. I'm bored. I told you it was bad. I have to put bored on the list twice that's how bored I am.

Have I mentioned that I hate birthdays? I'm like the Grinch of birthdays....and Christmas...and Thanksgiving....and Easter....and Valentine's Day....I am the Grinch of holidays...

Birthdays and Christmas are the worst for me. Birthdays remind me that another year has gone by and I'm still insignificant....Christmas is that hateful reminder that it's time for family to gather together and it sort of tosses up in my face that my little family of people I've scavenged for here and there isn't really a family at all...just a group of people who love me that aren't really together like a family so I'm still stuck glomming onto someone elses....

I'm grumpy and I hate the whole world tonight.

Ion-exchange chromatography...go!

Hello, bloggerverse! Happy 22nd birthday to my bestie/roommate, Lori!!!

I've been doing some interesting reading at Facebook today. In a small town near mine, apparently some drama has broken out. Something about someone being on drugs, and they'll "always be messed up", and someone's uncle getting threatened, and "all this over a stupid cell phone," and "back off my family or there's gonna be TROUBLE!!!" and "I ain't talking bout Ralph."

That sort of thing.

It's something that my ex and his mom do too. Sitting around, talking about whose family did what, and where this person ended up, and how that person's working for his grandpa at the insurance place now, and that girl had a baby, and this girl didn't have her baby...it never ends. And a girl I knew from high school, that has the same job now, at twenty-two and not attending classes, trade school, or enlisted in the armed forces, that she did when she was fifteen. And I wonder if I should feel bad about wanting something more.

I don't want to sound snooty. Lots of people I know and love do this. But I want my life to be...more. I want to go somewhere where they don't know me, and find out what someone else's life is like. Someone in Seattle, or Ann Arbor, or Norfolk. I don't want to be the one telling all the stories - I want to be the subject. I want to be proud to be the one they talk about - because hey, they can't talk about you if you aren't doing anything.

Not that I live in a bad area, by any means. It's quaint, and several of the school districts are good, and there's a lot of family here. But not before I've experienced Washington...as far away from Forks as possible.

Ah, back to the biochemistry. First exam of the semester in six hours. And so, bloggerverse, I bid you adieu. We shall meet again soon.

~Kassius~

I Have Returned

So here I am....
I've been gone for a while....
I've been living in the land that lacks internet.
I'm here and I have so much to say, and only 5 minutes, but I wanted to stop and say that dear Blog, I haven't forgotten you, I just haven't been able to write.
Soon though, soon.
I have so much to say.
So many hurts to let out in the open.
So many thoughts that need to be shared.
So many questions that need room to think.
So soon dear blog, soon.
Danielle

New Start

I suppose in hindsight, I should have known that no one gets that lucky on the first try. I should have seen him drifting away this summer, and I should have guessed that this is how it would go down.

Yes, I'm single again. Not my decision, but his. Why'd he do it? No one can seem to come to a consensus. One thing is for sure, though - he no longer saw our relationship as being worth the trouble. We really didn't fight any more or less than anyone else - well, a lot towards the end, but...I won't reveal to the entire blogger-verse why, but he knows and I know.

So, how do I feel? Betrayed - I found out that we have such different visions for our futures, and he never told me that - in fact, he lied about it. Confused - I thought I had everything figured out for once. Hurt - he told me he'd always love me, that I was "the one," that he'd never see another girl the way he saw me. Vindicated - all his friends were my friends, and he's not exactly their favorite person now. A lot of the good things he's had since moving to Cape Girardeau, he's had because of me. I have people loving me, checking on me, making sure everything is okay, wanting to see me - and he's suffering alone. And a little bad - not guilty, because he did it to himself, but just...bad. Because some part of me still wants to take away his pain. I want to snuggle with him and let him talk it out and make it easier for him to bear because someone is always by his side.

Could I do that as a friend? Maybe. But it would conflict with what I need right now. I could have comforted him, pretended something else had happened so as not to paint him in such a bad light. I could have helped him get almost back to what he had. But I had to choose - because as long as I was doing that, I'd never be able to get over him. And as much as I wish I was over him already, I'm not. I'm getting there. Every day gets a little easier. I think about him a little bit less, gain a little more distance, and get a little closer to normal.

I think that this happened this way for a reason. I think that moving into a new apartment, starting a new school year, and new singleness was God's way of wiping the slate clean for me. This year is my last of undergrad, and I have a lot of big decisions to make. I think this is just what I needed - even though it doesn't feel very good right now. This year, I think I'm finally going to find answers to the questions that have followed me all these years. Can I handle that? I don't know, But I have a feeling this is the year I'll find out.

Without the amazing friends, I'd still be paralyzed with sickness and tears. Thank you to Lori(and her mom), Randall, Andrew(and his dad), Stephanie, Rachel, Sam P, Chance, Sam M(and his mom), Kelci K, Kelsey B, Liz, Danni, Susan, Michelle, Hannah W, Mom, Hannah H, and Deanna.

I love you all.

~Kassius~

Friday Night and I'm Blogging?

So, I'm re-watching Grey's Anatomy with Keara, and thought I'd blog.

What's new? Let's see...

Last month, I finally met Danni's roommate. Chris is a sweetheart and she's SO much fun! It amuses me how physically similar we are. Danni had never mentioned it, but I wasn't the only one to notice. It was a little strange. But Chris is really pretty, so I certainly don't mind that anyone thinks that I look like her.

I move into my apartment on Wednesday the 18th. That's 5 days from now!!!! When I wake up in the morning, it will be 4 days!!!! I still feel a little surreal about it...like it's been so far off in the future for so long that it's hard to believe it's almost here.

Today, I got paid. A big, fat paycheck, that for the first time this summer isn't immediately obligated(I mean, yes, I have things to pay for, but it's the first time this summer that I haven't had to turn around on payday and dump the entire check onto something else). I owe my parents for a loan payment they made a couple of days ago, and then...I'm free!

Also, Rachel gets back into town on Sunday from her summer in Virginia, as does Adam from his two-week stint at home in Farmington. Of course, the next weekend, Keara and Gavin leave for Rolla :( But there will be a week of epicness before this!

I'm dieting, by way of calorie counting. I know the logical way to go about this is to eat healthy food at all meals, but I'm finding it so much easier to eat the same things I always eat and just eat less. I'm not cutting more calories than recommended, so I'm not starving myself or anything. I realize it's not the healthiest route to go, but...I am drinking lots of Propel! Which isn't quite as good for me as water, but it's definitely an improvement off my usual choice of Mountain Dew. I'm limiting myself to one per day, which doesn't sound very impressive, but, it is compared to the amount I used to drink. Hopefully as this goes on, I get down to less than that. It is only day two. I admit, it's not so much the commitment to health that is making me drink less soda, as the huge intrusion that it is onto my daily calorie limit. Once I go back to school, I can start running, and then I'm allowed more calories. Yay!

I went shopping today. Spent some money on myself - I haven't at all this summer. Every dime I've made and then some has gone toward my SEMO tuition bill, for summer classes and then for my first fall payment to buy time until they clear me for student loans. So, today I bought makeup and hair stuff. I would have gotten a haircut too, but I'm getting a free one in a few weeks from my cousin in cosmetology school, so I wanted to hold out until then. I get a free color then too. I felt like if I was going to go on a diet, I might be more committed to it if I didn't just have the general feeling that I looked like crap. That maybe better hair and a prettier face would motivate me to make my body become better. Will it work? We'll see.

Until next time,

~Kassius~