Testing Testing... 1...2...3...

I'm a tester. It's true.
I push people to their limits wondering to see if they'll still love me.
Do you do that or is it just me?
After someone convinces me that they love me I want to push them away...often more than once...to see if they love me as much as they say.
It's hard not to....
When you were little and your mom told you to....let's say....stop tapping on the window.
You tapped just once or twice more after she told you to stop right? Just to make sure she meant it? No, to see how many more times you could do it before she told you to stop again.
I do that with people....
They tell me they love me.
They seem like they mean it...
Once I start to believe it in my heart I have to stop and I have a mini freak out....

What if I think they love me more than they do?!?!?
What if they'll love me less if they knew....
What happens when they leave???

I like to push people as far away as I can....
If they come back and still love me after that then I think they're worth it.

This makes me sound like a horribly cold awful person....
To be honest I think I love more people than I think love me back...
My problem is that I can't stand the hurt of someone loving me less than I think they love me.
I can love someone without them loving me in return. That's ok. I can handle that.
My heart gets broken everytime though when someone pulls out the "I'll always be your friend" card. It happens....I get to that point where I'm trying to make them know that I love them and I remember them and they don't love or remember me back....after they said always. It's a problem.
I have two exceptions to this rule. I hope the two of you know who you are... If you don't then I fail like none other. I have an always....I have a toujours. I love you both :) Many much mostly. Cross my heart.

Tonight, I'm afraid.

I'm dizzy.
I'm sitting still and the room keeps moving.
I'm not sick.
I think maybe I'm just losing it.
I'm afraid once again that maybe I was right.
That maybe the end of the season is closer than I thought.
That the dream...the hope... was once again wasted on me.
I know I only asked for a daily promise of tomorrow, and when I asked for that it seemed ok at the time....but I think I really wanted a promise for always....
I just want everything to STOP.
I want the thing that's hurting me to go away, but I feel like my heart can't handle that.
It's one in the morning and I'm so confused.
I feel like i'm running in circles chasing something that wouldn't chase me if I ran the other way.
I'm not making sense but my fingers keep typing away at the keys...
click
click
click
click



If I wait to long the silence scares me so I keep typing and whispering to myself to fill the silence.
I have nothing to say.
I have no one to tell......
That tonight I'm afraid.

No Van Gogh....

So this is my latest artistic endeavor. I'm no Van Gogh obviously, but I do try to at least make things... discoverable? Uhm...maybe I mean discipherable? I like to try to paint so that you can tell what it is... Anyway, this is my latest and it's not the best, but it means a lot to my heart, which I think means the most.... I'm hoping that maybe this summer I can find my artistic side. Maybe a painting a week.... That sounds like a good goal right? My life is a little crazy... I'm glad that I have a toujours somewhere. I look at my picture and much like when I look at myself, my eyes are drawn to the mistakes. They linger there and my insides deflate, wishing I was better. I should have done that different. I should have thought this through a little more. I should have waited on that part... Art is like life....I'm not sure how, but it is. I'm hoping though, that maybe, the more I paint the better I'll feel about it. Maybe I'll get to the point where I can look at them and see beauty before mistakes. Hopefully I can look at myself that way too one day.... Love and paint stains, Danielle

I can't think of a title today.

Ah, friends. Those best and worst of people. I think it's safe to say that I wouldn't be where I am today without my friends. They've taught me how to be more outgoing, take pride in who I am and where I'm headed in life, and stand up for things that I thought I couldn't. They've given me advice on everything from school to guys to clothes to family to money and everything else. They've gone on countless Taco Bell, McDonald's, and Fazoli's runs with me. They've kept in touch while in other cities, states, and even countries. They know me better than I know myself, and they love me anyway, though only God knows why.

Rachel, Keara, Lori, Danni, and Liz: I love you with all my heart. I don't know how my world would keep turning without you. I can tell you anything, absolutely anything, and know that I'll still have you at the end of the day. Raych will buy me custard, giggle, and marvel at the weirdness of the situations I find myself in. Keara will give me the Keara-reality check, and tell me the things that I may not want to hear, but really need to. Lori will come up with about eighty new solutions to the problem that I hadn't even considered. Danni will tell me some similar story of hers in an attempt to make me feel a little less bad about the whole thing, and then buy Taco Bell. Liz probably won't even hear about the problem until three months later, via the journals we exchange, but the very fact of writing to her always calms me down and helps me realize that all situations can be worked through if you're stubborn enough to keep trying and patient enough to wait. Stubbornness, I have in abundance. Patience...well, I'm working on it.

I've also been lied about, lied to, made fun of and backstabbed by people who would probably once have made that list. And to those people, I don't know why you don't have anything better to do than try to make me miserable, but I definitely have better things to do than try to become the person you want me to be. But this isn't about them. This is about those people who are there, no matter what. I only hope that I've been even half as close of as much of a blessing to you as you have to me.

I love you,

~Kassius~

Speed of Sound and Silence

It's noisy here, and I can't really hear anything.
The fan is going.
My phone is ringing.
The music's on.
The dvd menu is repeating for the hundredth time.
It's noisy here, and I can't really hear anything.

I'm afraid of quiet.
It's the time when my thoughts run amuck; without direction or permission.
It's the time when my thoughts get sneaky.
The ones I push to the far corners come out of hiding to taunt me.

I plug my ears and hum, hoping the echoes will drown out my thoughts, but all I hear are the tantalizing whispers of the thoughts I can't control.

can't remember
doesn't matter
forgotten
did you....?
please....
wait!!!
come back
wait!!!
please....
did you....?
forgottten
doesn't matter
can't remember

The littlest glimpses of thoughts... those whispers... are killing me quietly amidst all the noise.

♫ Soundtrack Of My Summer ♫

So here's my current summer soundtrack....
Music is so many things to me right now.
My therapy.
My addiction.
My escape.
My heart.

It says all those things I need to say, that I'm not brave enough to say out loud.

♫ Am I supposed to be happy? Well all I've ever wanted, it comes with a price...
~Cat and Mouse
I've learned a lot in the past year.....
A year ago today I was at the Honor Academy. I was in Texas, calling future missionaries and equipping them to go to out into all the world. Weeks after that I was in Missouri. I thought for the last time. Six weeks after that I was in Kansas...not knowing much beyond that... I'm made a million decisions in the past year, and this summer I'm looking at the price of each of them. The prices I've payed, and the one I'll probably pay everyday for the rest of my life.

♫ But you found me when no one else was looking... How did you know just where I would be?
~You Found Me
My hero, my rescue....if you read this I hope you know who you are. You've seen potential in me that no one else even cared to look for. You dared me to dream of being just a little bit more than what was expected. I owe you the world.

♫ Darling, you are the only exception...
~The Only Exception
Dear roommate.... I think that I have to be someone for everyone, I have to be a little happier, a little more exciting...but not with you. You are my only exception. ♥

♫ If no one will listen if you decide to speak, if no one's left, standing after the bombs explode, if no one wants to look at you for what you really are...I will be here still...
~If No One Will Listen
I think that maybe this is the best song I've heard in a long time. I think it's what everyone wants. Someone that's willing to wait around for you to say what you need to say. Someone who will hold your hand through all life's explosions. Someone who actually knows who you really are, for whoyou think you really are and still loves you anyway.

♫ Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now....
~Airplanes
I need a wish. I need a few wishes actually. There aren't very many shooting stars are there?? I want to imagine in my head that there's at least one shooting star for everyone on Earth, but at the same time I'm almost afraid that I've missed mine.

♫ Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show, and I thought that being strong meant never losing your self control....
~Tonight I Want To Cry
I don't think that this one needs any explanation. The title says it all.

♫ Is this as hard as it gets!?! Is this what it feels like to really cry?!?
~Cry
Once again, no explanation, just face value. This summer has just begun, and already I've felt my lowest of low.

I Stand Tall To Get By...

Life goes on
Can leave us with sorrow and pain
And I hold on
To all that you are
To all that we'll be
And I can go on once again

I can live I can dream
Once again
'Cause you made me believe

~ Celine Dion

It amazes me how everything I ever really need to say can be said through lyrics alone. I sit sometimes in my room and I marvel at the beauty of words. How amazing is it that the word.... because can become a beautiful thing when strung together with other things. What about the word light? It's a plain word... "please turn on the light" is nothing special, but "your face is enchanting, it's like a waterfall of light..." is something that could take your breath away.
I used to think that if I could write something beautiful, something that really meant something, that maybe, my life would go somewhere... That it would brighten a bit...

It hasn't happened like that. I think now, I write more because I enjoy it, not because I want it to mean anything, or because I think it should be remembered, because I never really have anything to say...

Music is the most beautifully written thing I think...
I'm sitting alone on this lovely summer night, and I think that maybe, music makes up for all of the ugly of today. "I believe in you and me...and I believe that we will be..." "So I stand tall to get by...no matter how hard I try to hide..." "Have I told you lately that I love you?" "I believe I believe I believe in you..." If only people said such things in real life...

Waiting,
Danielle