That's the man he was...have you heard enough?

"What a shame, what a shame
To judge a life that you can't change
The choir sings, the church bells ring
So won't you give this man his wings?
What a shame to have to beg you
To see we're not all the same
What a shame"

I am in love with this song right now...and it makes me think of an old friend. She went to school with Danni and I...and she's sort of a mess. She's been in a lot of trouble, and almost everyone judges her now. She's in rehab now, somewhere she can't contact anyone. To be honest, I've judged her before too, but it's harder now. Yes, she's made bad decisions. Yes, she's been manipulative to get her way more times than I can count. Yes, she has gone on for years and years, and despite offers of help from countless thoughtful souls and the concerted efforts of people that love her, she refuses to change. Yes, I am aware of all of that. I don't blame anyone else for her decisions. And no, I didn't make the same ones.

But I was never a kid in school with ADHD that was just written off as a "behavior problem" and a "mean spirit"...at five? Who's honestly mean-spirited at five? Kids aren't just born that way...they're taught. I'm not accusing anyone here...just saying that kids imitate. At least I had good role models. I never got in trouble for doing things that I was taught were normal. I was never thirteen, getting home from school and having no one to tell about my day. I never felt a compulsion to steal, because I never had a moment's doubt that I would be provided for. I wasn't free to do as I pleased from 4:00 p.m. until midnight because my parents just weren't home. I didn't have a gaggle of boys who chased me when I was skinny and made fun of me when I wasn't, and I didn't struggle with eating disorders as a result. I didn't have friends that accepted me when I was convenient and then dropped me the second something better came along. (Well, I did, I guess...we all did...but they weren't the important friends, to me. Unfortunately, they were hers.) I never felt the pressure to say yes to something because I had said it before, and certainly not at such an absurdly young age at which she had to deal with it. Nor did I have "friends" constantly trying to pull me back into a...hmm...wilder lifestyle no matter how many times I tried to escape.
And try she did. I saw that side of her. The part that really wanted to be good. That really wanted to make something of her life. I met her so many times...but she always got obscured by that other, darker part of herself. She's been fighting inner demons since before most of us knew what those even were.
So it's easy to stand there and judge her from our stable homes with our good parents and our financial comfort and our cute little circles of people that we've picked out and arranged just so, people that we can put in little boxes and that will never disturb the order of our lives. It's easy to say, "That would never have been me."
Really? You're sure of that? Spend a day in her shoes, and you're sure you'd come out smelling like a rose? I, for one, am not.
So, to that girl now: I know you can't read this, but know that I'll always be there if you need me. I remember that Fantastic Four is totally our movie, and that I ate an obnoxious amount of French fries at your house. Thanks for always coming to my birthday parties, even when you were the only one that did, and I rather enjoyed your last birthday shindig as well. You took me to my first college party, where I was offered "KoolAid"...um, no thanks? And for all you complained, you left when I said I wasn't comfortable there. Thanks. When you come back(if you come back)...call me.
Love,
Kassius

Oh O Oh

So here we are at day 3....A song that makes me happy.
May I just remind you that I didn't promise to do my 30 day challenge in 30 consecutive days...

So here it is...a song that makes me happy.
Today it's taken a lot more to make me happy however, Ke$ha never fails with Crazy Beautiful Life. I've been kind of an emotional wreck lately liike a roller coaster that's on a new track and I can't even guess the next turn or spin or flip so when I left work yesterday I sat in my car and cried...no more than 5 minutes later I was happily in the Dairy Queen drive thru singing with Ke$ha smiling ear to ear. The girl in the window was like wow you're in a great mood! If only she knew how nuts I am. Oh well.

Things are getting heavier,
Danielle

April 12th

Do you ever feel like you're just watching a movie about your life? I do, sometimes. It's strange, but I feel like I'm following a story in which Kassy is just another character. It's hard, sometimes, to feel connected with the decisions that I make, the things that I say and do. I feel like I'm not even real except in my mind. It's odd, I know, but it feels weird to think that other people have my name programmed into their phones, or that they see my Facebook page. It's strange to think that people see me in class and on walkways and in parking lots. My name is on a roster for Dr. Ritter's classes, and Dr. Bond's, and Dr. Olesen's. My name, phone number, and birthday are on an employee list for the bookstore. I saw my birthday written down on Cindy's calendar last time I went to the bookstore on an errand. People think of text messages to send me, find my name in their phone and send them. Sometimes they call. I don't know why this feels so strange. It's everyone, right? I'm pretty low-profile compared to a lot of other people I know. So why does it feel so strange to feel visible?
~Kassius~

Day 02 and Donuts....

There are two boxes of donuts on our kitchen counter...one chocolate, one plain. It's killing me. I can't eat them, but I definitely want one. I've been contemplating it for a few hours now... I will say however that I'm too lazy to get off the couch to get one. I'm feeling a little depressed. I feel like nature is taunting me. It's nice outside and sunny and warm and it looks so pleasant and carefree... I sit on the couch and feel a little bit like an eskimo. I just want to wrap up in my blankets and sleep for the next three years. I'm a little bit pathetic and I'm very aware of it.

So here's Day 02 as I promised: Your least favorite song.
I can't stand the song Cest La Vie by Bewitched....it was like super hott when I was like 12? Idk. It's followed me around for the past 8 years. It randomly pops in my head and drives me nuts!

Gotta let me in, hey hey hey
Let the fun begin, hey
I'm the wolf today, hey hey hey
I'll huff, I'll puff
I'll huff, I'll puff, I'll blow you away

Say you will, say you won't
Say you'll do what I don't (say you will)
Say you're true, say to me
C'est la vie

Say you will, say you won't
Say you'll do what I don't (say you will, hey)
Say you're true, say to me (get a life)
C'est la vie

Really? Is it necessary to say the same things so many times? Ugh.
That's all.

Everybody's Doing It....

So I'm gonna do it....
The 30 Day Song Challenge has finally caught my attention. So I'm gonna do it, and blog about it here, starting today because I discovered in highschool that my middle name isn't actually Michelle, it's Procrastination.


So I'll start here with Day 01....your favorite song.

My favorite song varies usually from day to day, but today we'll say "What The Hell" by Avril Lavigne.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQmEd_UeeIk

So here's the deal: this song is honestly a freeing song. It's like...lol not actually true for my life, it's a little bit backwards but the momentary feeling when you're driving in the car with the windows down singing with every ounce of your body is amazing. It's kind of crazy but it's true. This song? Is my current high.

On a side note? I miss my roommate...so much, that this song can't even bring me to sing today.

Bumbling?

I just got back from visiting my bestfriend... I had an amazing time but now that I'm home, alone in the kitchen, I just want to take everything back a step. I wanna be back in the little room at the end of the hall. I wanna be curled up on the old couch. I wanna watch the same movie 4 times in a row. I want to listen to the endless giggles. I want to have my other half in the same room. I had a great trip, and I'm so happy to be home, but as crazy as it sounds, I'm so happy both ways that I feel like my heart's ripped in half.
FML.

Naturally?

...I love the way you know who you know who you are and to me it's exciting...
Selena Gomez... She's what like 16? She knows... Knowing who you are and what you want is a big deal. Once again, I'm clueless. I still feel like life's a giant complicated marionette show. A show where what you think you're sewig isn't really what you think it is. So many hiden motives and shady agendas. I sound cynical and ridiculous but it's totally true. I think that life today is more about who can I convince to do what I want? The puppet being controlled by the puppeteer is controlling 4 other puppets... Are you a puppet controlling other puppets? Are you a puppeteer? Do you even know? Life is way too complicated.
I went out with some friends last night. I had a blast.... Which is great, but every single time I do something That should be a simple as "having a great night with friends" something males me wonder if I'm who I want to be... What if's follow me closer than my shadow and the maybe's never leave my mind....

I'm out of control.
Again.